Daniel Tosh - We're Not Number One

Season 1, 04/17/2016 Views: 9,454

Daniel Tosh explains why he thinks America isn't the number one country in the world, then lists some of its biggest problems and brainstorms solutions. (2:06)

It is great to be here inAmerica

Oh, yeah.

The greatest countryin the world...

if you haven'ttraveled a lot.

Do we have to constantly screamwe're number one?

It's alwaysthe people that live

in the most boring partsof this country

that scream the loudest.

People in Kansas, "We're thegreatest country in the world."

It's like,do you guys have Internet there?

You ever seena photo of Fiji?

I've never been to Fiji,but I've seen photos.

It looks pretty amazing.

It's hard to thinkwe're better than that.

We're top ten.

Maybe if we startedscreaming that every day,

maybe terroristswould stop trying

to saw our heads off.

"We're top ten."

And they'd be like,"That's fair."

"It was that number one stuffthat was getting old."

America's basically turnedinto one of these factories

where we justhave a sign up like,

"It's been 22 dayssince our last horrible thing."

Then it's like, "Oop,all right, rip it down.

We're back at zero again."

These thingsjust keep happening,

you know, whetherit's Ferguson or Baltimore.

I can solve racist cops.

That's an easy fix.

But nobody comes to mefor the answers.

You want to get ridof that forever?

How about this?

Only black peopleshould be allowed to be cops.

Boom, problem solved.

And if any of youhave issue with this,

it's because you're racist.

"Well,what about white people?"

White peoplecan be firefighters.

We're more outdoorsy.It makes sense.

White people, firefighters.Black people, cops.

Who wants ticketsto the softball game now?

Yeah, it's gonna getpretty tense.

Might want to put ina mercy rule.