Uncensored - Chris D'Elia - Falling Asleep in Church Pt. 1

Chris D'Elia: White Male. Black Comic. Season 1, Ep 101 11/20/2013 Views: 14,135

Chris D'Elia proves that nobody in the history of church has ever had fun during the service. (1:52)

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D'Elia: DON'T ACT LIKEYOU WANT TO GO TO CHURCH,

BECAUSE, GUESS WHAT,YOU DON'T!

I MEAN, GO, WHATEVER,BUT DON'T ACT LIKE YOU LIKE IT!

AND DON'T INVITE ME.THAT'S THE WORST, MAN.

"HEY, MAN, YOU KNOW WHAT?YOU SHOULD COME SOMETIME."

NO, I SHOULDN'T!

"YEAH, YEAH, IT'S FUN."

NO, IT'S NOT!AND YOU KNOW IT'S NOT!

THAT'S THE WORST PART,IS WHEN THEY ACT LIKE IT'S FUN.

IT'S NOT FUN, AND I CAN PROVE ITTO YOU RIGHT NOW.

HERE'S THE DEAL.

YOU NEVER WANTEDTO GO TO CHURCH.

ANYBODY IN HERENEVER WANTED TO GO TO CHURCH,

AND I CAN PROVE IT TO YOURIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY?

'CAUSE NEVER DURING CHURCH,EVER,

HAS ANYBODYIN THE HISTORY OF CHURCH

EVER SAID THIS.

"OH, HEY, WATCH THIS PART."

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU SAY ITWHEN YOU WATCH "GODFATHER"?

WORSHIP THAT!

[ LAUGHTER ]

THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYSFALL ASLEEP DURING CHURCH, MAN.

'CAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TOBE THERE.

THAT'S WHY.YOU FALL ASLEEP.

YOU TRY SO HARD NOT TO,JUST IN CASE THERE'S HELL.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?[ LAUGHS ]

YOU TRY SO HARD.

YOU USE THAT"NON-FALLING ASLEEP" FACE

THAT YOU USE FOR EVERYTHING,JUST...

[ LAUGHTER ]

AW, COME ON, I GOT THIS.COME ON. [ GRUNTS ]

COME ON. [ GRUNTS ]GODDAMN IT.

[ GRUNTS ]OH, NO, NOT GOD DAMN IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

JUST REGULAR "WOW" OR WHATEVER.

[ CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY ]JUST IN CASE.

[ LAUGHTER ]

THE SAME THINGALWAYS WAKES YOU UP, JUST...

[ VOCALIZING SPIRITUALLY ]

"HUH, WHAT ARE WE DOING?WE'RE KNEELING FOR NO REASON?

"FOR NO REASON AT ALL,WE'LL KNEEL? COOL.

"STAND UP ALREADY? GREAT.OKAY, GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

"THAT'S GREAT. GREAT, GOOD,GOOD, GOOD, FANTASTIC.

"GOOD, GOOD. GREAT, YOU TOO.OKAY, GREAT.

"AWESOME, AWESOME, GOOD, GOOD.HOW MANY PEOPLE ARE THERE?!

"GOOD, YOU.HOW'D YOU GET UP THERE?

SIR, HOW'D YOU GET UP THERE?"