My favorite drink wasEvan Williams whiskey.
I don't know if anyone here'sever had Evan Williams before,
but I sum it up like this:
Imagine all the other hardliquors and cocktails
having an early eveninghappy hour.
A late afternoon soiree,if you would.
Uh, Evan Williamswould be the drink
that shows up drunkand uninvited.
It's like, "Jim Beam!I'm so glad you could make it.
Come in, come in."
(posh accent): "Oh, thank you,Jack Daniels.
"Yes, it's been...it's been so difficult
"with-with the kidsand work and all, and...
"Dear God!
Is that Evan Williams?"
"Oh!
Make way forthe Mayor of (bleep)town!
(guffaws)
(cackling)
Hey, Sugar Tits!
How about tossing a pity (bleep)old Evan Williams' way?
"My name isn't Sugar Tits.
"It's Barcardi Limón.
And I find you..."
"A little less talking,
"a lot more pity (bleep),pity (bleep).
"I'm gonna make your butthole
look like Seal's cheeks."
"Evan Williams,you are making a scene."
"Oh.
"Look at me.
"I'm Maker's Mark.
"I think I'm a big deal'cause I'm a sippin' whiskey.
"With a college education.
"Well, sip on my dick,
"you Ivy League, Good Will Hunting mother(bleep).
Sip sippy cup
on my University of PhoenixOnline freedom rod!"
(applause, whooping)
"Evan. Evan.
What are you running from?"
"The police!
I stole a copy of Space Jam."
"No, Evan.
What are youreally running from?"
"Myself.
"I'm running from myself.
♪ In the arms of the angel
♪ Far away from here...
"What happens in Vegasstays in Vegas.
"What happens in Atlantic Cityfollows you home
and accuses you of rape."
"Someone call Evan Williamsa cab,
and someone get him to stop(bleep) my wife's purse."
"I don't need to ride a cab,
"I'm already riding Coach.Ha-ha!
"Purse pun while I (bleep) one.
"High-five! No?
"(Bleep) your wife's makeup,
"Princess Diana inside job,free Sandusky,
clear minds, full hearts,can't lose, Texas forever."