Nick DiPaolo - Cancun Vacation

Lounge Lizards: Nick Dipaolo Season 1, Ep 0104 05/09/2002 Views: 1,824

Nick DiPaolo loaded up on jalapeno dip and chili before he went parasailing. (2:50)

>> Mental illness is running

rampant in every city.

This lady comes up to my

apartment in LA, right in front

of my apartment, she's got more

facial hair than I do, she's got

one tooth.

She's like, "Why did he leave

me?"

( laughter )

"Why did my husband leave me?"

"Oh, I don't know, smiley.

You were hogging the dental

floss?

I don't know."

( laughter )

"I'm guessing your husband

needed some time to himself, you

know?

I've known you for two seconds,

I could use a vacation."

( laughter )

God, I have no more compassion

for these people.

Guy comes up to me today, "Hey,

can you help a hungry man out?"

I said, "Yeah, I'm getting a

slice of pizza.

Don't follow me."

( laughter )

"I can't get a job."

"Put on a shirt.

There's a tip."

I need a vacation.

I just took one.

I went to Cancun.

Who's been to Cancun, anyone?

You have fun?

I made a big mistake while I was

down there.

I loaded up on jalapeno dip and

chili.

Washed it down with a gallon of

Mexican water.

Yeah, before I went parasailing.

( laughter )

Oh, umbrella rentals were up at

the beach that day.

"Hey, honey, what kind of birds

are these?"

( laughter )

"They didn't tell us about this

in the brochure.

What is that, a SCUD missile?"

( laughter )

Nobody told me Cancun was

located a quarter mile from the

sun.

( laughter )

First day on the beach,

"I don't need that sunblock.

I'm no baby.

Give me the butter."

Two minutes later my friend's

like, "You smell pork burning?"

( laughter )

I knew I'd bought the wrong

sunblock when the bottle had a

picture of a black guy putting

two white guys out with a fire

extinguisher.

( laughter )

They needed dental charts to

find my shorts, you know?

( laughter )

I was hanging out at the pool at

the hotel in Cancun.

There was a group of girls there

from Europe.

I could tell they were from

Europe because, like, none of

them had their bikini line

shaved.

It's not a pretty look, is it?

( laughter )

This one lady looked like she

had Buckwheat in a scissors

lock.

You know, it was amazing.

( laughter )

I'm like, "Try some Weed Eater,

will you, sis?

You've got a tarantula in your

shorts here."

( laughter )

She put on a pair of nylons, she

looked like Fidel Castro robbing

a bank.

( laughter )

There's actually some people

taking the jokes literally--

"Oh, that's mean.

Ooh, ah, ooh."

These are the people who sit at

home, watch The Wizard of

Oz, and go, "That's bull

( bleep ).

Monkey's don't fly."

It's just a joke.

Try to pretend, folks.