Ari Shaffir - Dating at 15

Ari Shaffir: Passive Aggressive Season 1, Ep 1 03/13/2015 Views: 2,492

When Ari Shaffir was a teenager, he had a good plan of attack for talking to girls, but he would always get derailed. (2:14)

Did you ever like somebody?

It [bleep] sucks.

It has never gotten bettersince I was 15 years old,

it's never got any[bleep] better.

It really has not.

It's never been easy.

You always had-- yourstomach is tense,

and you never knowwhat you're doing.

It just [bleep] sucks.

This is since I was 15.

This day, like, at 15.

This is what I would do.

I couldn't go up to a girlI liked at high school.

It was-- I was too nervous.

So I would pretend likeI forgot the homework,

and then I would callthem on the phone.

And I have a list oftopics to talk about,

just in case theconversation went,

dry which it always would.

That's why I had the list.

And do you remember the firsttime you actually hit it off

with a girl, likeyou're actually

talking to her on the phone,or a guy, someone you like?

And you're actually,like, catching a vibe.

And it's, like, going well.

Remember that awesome momentwhen you're like, whoa,

I actually like this girl.

We're flirting on the phone,and I'm making her laugh.

And she's making me laugh.

This is fun.

If this is what datingis all about, I'm in.

I'm in forever.


This feels rad.

And then, just whenyou think it's perfect,

you'll hear a click onthe other end of the line.

And your mother, whichit'd be like, hello?

I'm on the phone, Mom.

I'm on the phone.


Is someone on the phone?

Yeah, it's me, the guywho said I'm on the phone.

Hang up.


There's no dial tone.

I'm on the phone!

Hang up!

Ari, is that you?


Hang up the [bleep] phone.

Who are you talking to?

Shut up!

Shut the [bleep] up.

I hate you.

Oh, is it a girl? [bleep] you.

[bleep] you, Mom!

Every [bleep] time.

What'd you think it was, Mom?

Stupid idiot Mom.

You didn't stumbleupon a spy ring, OK?

It's your son tryingnot to be gay.

Let it happen.