Charlie Viracola - Halloween

Season 5 , Ep 508 11/16/01 Views: 2,981

That pirate that peed in the punchbowl wasn't Charlie. (2:50)

MY FAVORITE IS HALLOWEEN.

THAT'S A GREAT HOLIDAY.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

GET TO DRESS UP LIKE AN IDIOT

AND ACT LIKE A FOOL AND NOBODY

KNOWS WHO YOU ARE, RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE, "THAT WASN'T CHARLIE

THAT PEED IN THE PUNCH BOWL.

THAT WAS A PIRATE.

(LAUGHTER)

CHRISTMAS ALWAYS SUCKED WHEN

I WAS A KID 'CAUSE I BELIEVED IN

SANTA CLAUSE.

UNFORTUNATELY, SO DID MY

PARENTS.

(LAUGHTER)

THAT'S RIGHT.

I NEVER GOT ANYTHING.

JUST SIT AROUND WITH THOSE

DUMB ASSES WAITING ALL NIGHT.

(LAUGHTER)

IT'S A GOOD THING I DON'T

DO THIS FOR A LIVING TO, AH...

TO SUPPLEMENT MY INCOME I SELL

FURNITURE ON THE SIDE.

I'M DOWN TO MY COUCH NOW.

UM...

(LAUGHTER)

IF ANYBODY WOULD LIKE TO PICK

THAT BABY UP.

I JUST SIT ON IT AND WATCH TV.

I WAS WATCHING "DR. LAURA"

THE OTHER DAY.

I DON'T LIKE HER.

SHE CAN'T COME TO

"PLANET CHARLIE".

SHE SAID SHE THINKS PEOPLE

ARE HAVING SEX AT A YOUNGER

AND YOUNGER AGE.

I BELIEVE THAT'S TRUE.

A 17 YEAR OLD FRIEND OF

MY SISTERS LOST HER VIRGINITY.

I FELT LIKE I SHOULD TALK TO HER

ABOUT IT.

I WENT OVER TO HER AND I SAID

"LOOK.

FIRST OF ALL WHAT WE DID

WAS WRONG."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

WELL, I WROTE THE DECLARATION OF

"PLANET CHARLIE" TODAY.

SO I'M GONNA READ YOU GUYS

THE ARTICLE'S AND THEN YOU'LL

ALL BE OFFICIAL CITIZENS OF

"PLANET CHARLIE".

"WE, THE PEOPLE OF

'PLANET CHARLIE',

HOLD THE FOLLOWING TRUTHS TO BE

SELF-EVIDENT."

I KIND OF BORROWED THAT FROM

ANOTHER DOCUMENT.

(LAUGHTER)

NUMBER ONE: IF YOU HIT THE

LOTTERY AND SAY YOU'RE STILL

GONNA KEEP YOUR DAY JOB,

YOU HAVE TO GIVE THE MONEY BACK

SO SOMEBODY COOL CAN WIN.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

"CAN, TOO."

RIGHT.

NUMBER TWO: POSTAL EMPLOYEES,

DMV WORKERS WILL BE PAID

BY THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE

THEY ACTUALLY HELP IN A DAY."

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

NUMBER THREE: IF YOU HAVE A DOG

THAT'S SMALLER THAN A CAT,

YOU HAVE TO PUT A RAINBOW

BUMPER STICKER ON YOUR CAR.

(CHEERS AND WHISTLES)

NUMBER FOUR: IF YOUR KID

IS A PAIN IN THE ASS IN PUBLIC

AND YOU REFUSE TO HIT THEM,

WE CAN HIT THEM.

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST,

PEOPLE WHO TALK ON CELL PHONES

IN PUBLIC HAVE TO WEAR

A PHONE BOOTH ON THEIR HEAD

SO WE DON'T HAVE TO LISTEN

TO THEM.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

Loading...