Uncensored - Kumail Nanjiani - House of Betas Pt. 2

Kumail Nanjiani: Beta Male Season 1, Ep 1 07/20/2013 Views: 8,700

Kumail Nanjiani's roommates supply him with the proper tools to deal with whatever it is that's in their attic. (2:01)

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So I'm freaking out.I don't know what to do.

I'm a beta male.

We're all betas.

This is a house of betas,you know?

So we have one friend.He's an alpha male.

His name's Joey.He lives in Alaska.

He hunts bear, and thenhe makes jerky out of it.

Alpha as fuck.

So we call Joey,

and Joey goes,"Go up there and check."

Yeah, which hadn't evenoccurred to us.

Our entire strategywas to talk about fake cake

until the leaseran out...

and then just move,you know?

Never speak of this again.

Somebody has to go up thereand check, and we nominate me

'cause fuck everythingat this point.

So I have to go up and check,and I am so scared.

And the only wayup the attic--

So the roof is, like,12 feet high.

The only wayup to the attic,

there's a little, like, door.

We need a stepladderto get up there.

House of betas,we don't have a stepladder.

So I go into my room,and I push a chest of drawers

from my room under there,

like I'm gonna climb over itand get up there.

And then my roommatesgive me a flashlight.

And I'm like,"What am I going

"to do with this

if there is somebody there?"

So then they alsohand me a butcher knife.

'Cause if somebody's there,I'm just going to murder them.

It's gonna be like,"Chocolate cake!"

Stab, stab, stab, slit.

"Guys, there was somebody there,but I've killed him.

"I'm gonna go take a shower

"and pack my bags.

Give me 30 minutesbefore you call the police."

And then I spendthe rest of my life

riding the railsand using pay phones.

Whenever I try and sleep,

I see the lightleave a hobo's face, you know?

You don't forget that.

Somebody goes living to deadby your hand.

And then I'm like, if thereis somebody up there,