Carlos Alazraqui - Simon Cowell

  • Season 8 , Ep 10
  • 02/26/2004
  • Views: 6,968

Simon Cowell is brutally, devastatingly honest. (3:40)

I HAVE A GUILTY PLEASURE,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I DON'T WATCH A BUNCH OF TV

BUT I WATCH AMERICAN IDOL.

I LOVE SIMON COWELL.

I LOVE HIM.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HE'S SO BRUTALLY DEVASTATINGLY

HONEST.

YOU GOTTA LOVE THE GUY 'CAUSE

HE JUST DOESN'T TELL PEOPLE NO,

HE CRUSHES THEIR SOUL INTO A

FINE POWDER AND PUTS IT IN A

PETRI DISH OVER A BUNSEN BURNER,

LIQUEFIES IT AND FREEZES IT AND

MAKES IT A SOUL POPSICLE.

[ENGLISH ACCENT] I DON'T LIKE

YOU.

AH!

THAT'S YOUR SOUL.

AH!

THESE POOR KIDS TRYING TO MAKE

THEIR DREAM HAPPEN.

TRYING TO SING.

♪ AVE MARIE... ♪

[ENGLISH ACCENT] "OH, GOD.

OH, GOD.

LOOK, I DON'T LIKE JESUS CHRIST

DID DIE.

I THINK HE RAN BEHIND THAT

GIANT ROCK TO GET AWAY FROM

YOUR SINGING, REALLY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

REALLY, NOW, LOOK.

LOOK, IF I'M BEING HONEST--

IF I AM BEING HONEST--

IF SATAN HIMSELF WERE TO

WALK OUT ONTO THIS STAGE WHERE

YOU ARE SINGING NOW AND SQUAT

OVER A BOWL ON HIS JACKAL, RED,

HAIRY, ANIMAL LIKE LEGS AND

RELEASE FROM THE DEEPEST,

DARKEST REGIONS OF HIS BOWELS

THE MOST VILE PILE OF FECES,

DUNG BEETLES, SCARER BUGS,

VENOMOUS SNAKES, BLOOD, PUSS

AND URINE INTO THAT BOWL AND

I WERE GIVEN A CHOICE WHETHER

OR NOT TO EAT THE CONTENTS

IN THAT BOWL OR LISTEN TO ONE

MORE NOTE OF YOUR SINGING...

[LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

I WOULD CALL MY GRANDMOTHER

ON MY CELL PHONE PUT HER ON

THE SPEAKER HAVE HER SAY GRACE

AND DIG IN SANS SILVERWARE.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY TERRIBLE.

ABSOLUTELY.

ABSOLUTELY."

OKAY?

[APPLAUSE]

I THANK YOU FOR COMING TONIGHT.

I WILL LEAVE YOU IF MY VOICE

ALLOWS ME WITH ONE LAST

IMPRESSION.

[EXHALES]

THIS IS TONY MONTANA...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AL PACINO AS SCARFACE AS A

CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY CLOWN.

[LAUGHTER]

"OKAY, HOW YOU DOING?

OKAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

[HORN SQUEAKS TWICE]

OKAY.

IT'S OKAY--

THAT'S ALRIGHT, IT'S OKAY.

I'M A HAPPY CLOWN FOR YOUR

BIRTHDAY.

IT'S OKAY, MAN.

I'M A HAPPY CLOWN FOR HIS

BIRTHDAY, OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU, FIVE YEARS OLD?

SING-- OKAY.

OKAY.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

WE'RE GONNA PLAY A LITTLE SNIFF

THE TIRE FROM THE DONKEY?

OKAY?

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S A JOKE.

I'M A HAPPY CLOWN.

[HORN SQUEAKS]

OKAY.

I TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO

FOR YOU.

ALRIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT,

OKAY.

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU A...

A BALLOON ANIMAL.

YOU GONNA LIKE IT, OKAY?

HERE WE GO-- HAPPY CLOWN.

[HORN SQUEAKS]

OKAY.

IT'S OKAY, MAN.

FOR YOUR 5th BIRTHDAY, YOU'RE

GONNA LIKE IT, OKAY.

HERE WE GO, ALRIGHT.

IT'S A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

I MAKE IT FOR YOU.

IT'S A POODLE.

OH, SAY HELLO TO YOUR LITTLE

POODLE, HA.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

GOOD NIGHT.

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY

COMEDY CENTRAL.

Captioned By

mCCaptioning Services

Reseda, California.

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