Greg Giraldo - All Religions Are Insane

  • Season 8 , Ep 18
  • 04/01/2004
  • Views: 18,264

Are cults crazier than the rest of religions? (2:13)

THE RALIANS, THEY'RE A DOOMSDAY

CULT.

THEY BELIEVE ALL HUMANS ARE

CLONES OF EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL'S

AND THAT THESE

EXTRA-TERRESTRIAL'S ARE GOING

TO COME BACK FROM OUTER SPACE

AND TAKE US INTO OUTER SPACES

ONE DAY, WHICH SOUNDS INSANE,

BUT IS IT ANY CRAZIER THAN ALL

THE REST OF OUR RELIGIONS?

I MEAN, I WAS RAISED CATHOLIC,

THE VIRGIN MARY?

[LAUGHTER]

WE HAVE A WHOLE RELIGION BASED

ON A WOMAN WHO REALLY STUCK TO

HER STORY.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NOW I'M SAYING THAT THERE'S

A LEAP OF FAITH THERE, TOO.

LOOK AT ALL THE RELIGIONS.

LOOK AT THE JEWS.

LOOK AT THE INSANE THINGS THAT

JEWS BELIEVE.

THE JEWS BELIEVE

BARBRA STREISAND'S WORTH

1,000 BUCKS A TICKET.

IF THAT'S NOT CRAZY--

[LAUGHTER]

THEY BELIEVE YOU HAVE TO BE

CIRCUMCISED AS PART OF THE

RELIGION.

HOW IS THAT CONSISTENT WITH THE

REST OF JUDEO-CHRISTIAN FAITH?

GOD MADE MAN IN HIS IMAGE.

EXCEPT FOR THE [BLEEP] PART.

HE SCREWED THAT UP LET ME TELL

YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

THAT WE HAVE TO FIX.

I'VE BEEN TO A LOT OF THESE

CIRCUMCISIONS.

THEY ACTUALLY INVITE YOU TO GO,

WHICH IS GREAT.

YOU GET TO WATCH A CIRCUMCISION,

EAT BAGELS.

IT'S REALLY--

IT'S A VERY FUN EVENT.

WHAT DO PEOPLE WEAR TO A

CIRCUMCISION?

I JUST WORE A TIE WITH THE END

SNIPPED OFF.

I'M LIKE, WELL, THIS LOOK GOOD.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

ALL THE RELIGIONS ARE INSANE.

LOOK AT THE ISLAMIC EXTREMISTS.

THE ISLAMIC EXTREMISTS BELIEVE

THAT IF YOU KILL IN THE NAME OF

ALLAH, YOU GET 72 VIRGINS.

SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS.

DOES THAT MAKE SENSE TO ANYONE?

AND IT'S AN ANCIENT RELIGION.

MAYBE IT WAS MISINTERPRETED.

MAYBE IT'S NOT 72 VIRGINS.

MAYBE IT'S A 7'2" PERSIAN.

THAT MAKES JUST AS MUCH SENSE.

[LAUGHTER]

YOU GET IN THE AFTERLIFE,

THERE'S SOME GIANT IRANIAN DUDE.

"WELCOME.

[LAUGHTER]

NOT VIRGIN, PERSIAN, BABY."

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW THE CHRISTIAN RIGHT

IS NO BETTER.

YOU KNOW, THE CHRISTIAN

EXTREMISTS ARE JUST AS BAD AS

ANYBODY ELSE.

PAT ROBERTSON, JERRY FALWELL,

THEY BLAMED 9/11 ON THE GAYS

AND THE LESBIANS AND THE PAGANS.

THE PAGANS?

I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS THE

PAGANS, BUT IT WAS ALL KINDS OF

OTHER PEOPLE INVOLVED AS WELL.

[LAUGHTER]

THEY SAID 9/11 WAS EVIDENCE

THAT GOD IS ANGRY WITH US.

REALLY.

ALL THE EVIDENCE YOU NEED THAT

GOD IS ANGRY WITH US IS

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE'S CAREER,

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOW PAT ROBERTSON'S ASKING

HIS FOLLOWERS TO PRAY FOR THE

RETIREMENT OF SUPREME COURT

JUDGES.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO PRAY FOR

ANYONE TO RETIRE, WHY NOT

BEN AFFLECK, YOU KNOW WHAT

I MEAN?

SERIOUSLY.

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