- Oh! Oh, yes!
That's what I'm talking aboutright here.
This is why I don't leavewhen people do drugs.
Now, I'm at a house party
and this guy's gotan alligator on his face.
[dark electronic music]
- A very, very funny comic.
Glad to have him here.You guys know him
as the host of"The CrabFeast" podcast.
Give it up for Mr. Ryan Sickler,everybody.
Let him hear it.
[cheers and applause]
- You guys like drugs?
[cheers and laughter]
I don't really do drugs,all right?
I smoke a little weed.
I drink a beer now and then.
I've never done cocaine.
I've never done acid.
I'm not into pills.Like, the hard stuff scares me.
All right,but in a right situation,
I love to be aroundpeople on drugs.
Anything is possiblewhen someone's on drugs.
All right, like right now,if you said, "Hey,
"do you mind ifI smoke some heroin
while you tell this story?"
I'd say, "Fire that shit up.
Let's see wherethe night takes you."
So,I'm originally from Baltimore.
And--grew up out inSykesville, Maryland.
And when I graduatedhigh school,
I played soccer forjunior college,
AKA community college.
AKA the 13th grade.
And...so when you play sports
with guys in high school,you play all four years,
you know 'em well,you're in school with 'em,
everybody knows each other.When I got to college,
not everyone knew each other.
And a dude on the team said,"Hey, man, a friend of mine
"is having a party tonightdown in Fort McHenry.
We should all go, get to knowone another, and hang out."
Now, quick history lessonfor you here if you don't know.
Fort McHenry is whereFrancis Scott Key wrote
our national anthem.All right?
He wrote "The Star-SpangledBanner" there.
I'm going toa house party there.
We all have our path.
So...I get to the doorand I knock on the door
and this big dude answers.
And when I say "big,"I don't want to be misleading.
He wasn't built like The Rock,
but he was more like Slothfrom "Goonies."
Dude was sizable.
And he says,"Welcome to my party.
My name is Sparks."
I said, "Well, thank youfor having me, Sparks."
I go in, I'm hanging outwith the guys on the team,
we're drinking and smoking.
Sparks is right there,drinking and smoking with us.
Then he disappears downstairs.
A few minutes later,he comes back up,
drinking and smoking,
disappears downstairs again.
Now, I don't knowwhat's going on down there.
I can hear some voices.
I only assume it's like,
buddies of his, local guys,
they've been there a while.
They're not mixing with us.
We're not mixing with them.
But Sparks is goingback and forth.
About the fifth timeSparks comes up the stairs,
he's got cocaineall over his face,
and I'm just like, oh, I got it.
You're up heredrinking and smoking with us.
You're down theredoing cocaine with them.
You're being a great host.
I don't know if you've everhung out with someone
that's done way too much cocaineat one time,
but Sparks has these big eyes
and this smile plasteredon his face ear to ear,
and he's bouncing like thisin front of us
in the living room like I amin front of you all right now.
And he keeps snapping his neck
and looking to the rear cornerof the living room.
And then he walks back there.
And in the cornerthere's a little aquarium
with a blanket on it.And he rips the blanket off.
All right, now,we're in a row home, all right.
It's narrow but it's deep,
so from where I'm sitting,at first, I'm like,
man, that kind of looks likean alligator.
You know what it actually was?
A fucking alligator.
Yeah.Sparks has a pet alligator.
And it's sitting inthis aquarium on some rocks
and, like, half full of water.
You know,natural alligator habitat.
And Sparks stepsright up next to it.
And without taking his eyesoff of us,
he lays his arm in the tank
and he starts swaying itback and forth in the water
alongside the alligator's body.
And I'm like, here we go.
Here we go.Here it is.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.Back and forth.
Then he picks the alligator up.
Now there's a dinosaurat the party.
Two dudes on the team leave.
Guy sitting next to me is like,
"Hey, I think we shouldget the hell out of here too."
And I was like,"What are you talking about?
"This just got good.
"Like, do I need to remind youright now
"that you're at a party withmarijuana, alcohol, cocaine,
"and an alligator,in a historic neighborhood.
"Where else do you want to bein the country tonight, man?
This is the spot.We got a front-row seat."
And Sparks is holding this thingby the belly, okay?
And it's big, all right.
Now, it's not Gator World big.
We weren't gonna just, like,sit on its back
and take pictures,but it's like the size
of a big cat.I'd say from the snout
to the base of the tail,it's about this big.
And then the tail hangs down.
And he's holding itwith both hands by the belly
with the snout right at his facelike I have this microphone
And Guns N' Roses was bigat the time.
I say that 'cause Sparksbusted out his best Axl Rose
and starts dancingwith this alligator.
And then he kisses iton the mouth,
and I'm like,this is what I'm talking about.
This is what I'm talking aboutright here.
And he kisses it again.
And you know that littleshady side-eye
that alligators have?That little eye they have,
you know?That alligator's looking out
at all of us like,"Is this motherfucker serious?"
And then he kissed ita third time,
and that alligator said snap!
And I was like,Oh! Oh, yes! Yes!
Whoo! That's whatI'm talking about right here!
This is why I don't leavewhen people do drugs.
Now, I'm at a house party
and this guy's got an alligatoron his face.
Do you know how pissed offI would have been
if I left and someone called methe next day and said,
"You're not gonna believewhat happened"?
Oh, I'd have been devastated.
But I didn't leave.I stayed right there.
And this alligator isclamped down on Sparks's face.
And his eyes, they're still big,
completely different emotionin there now.
Starting to seethe panic settle in.
But I'll never forget the lookin that alligator's eyes.
'Cause that's--that washis first time tasting flesh,
blood, and cocaine.
That's like a reptileMega Millions right there.
And it's on.It's on tight.
It's not going anywhere.
And I'll say this, too,for people from Baltimore,
some of the toughest peopleI've ever met
in my life, all right?
This gator is locked.
And he's not screaming.
And if he is,
I can't hear itover my laughter.
And Sparks doesn't knowwhat to do.
You know,I'm not getting up and helping.
I'm not putting my handin an alligator's mouth.
I just open another beer.
And he knows there'sno one coming to his rescue.
And he does what he has to do.
And he rips itoff of his face.
And he goes over
and he sets it back downin the aquarium.
And he's got his handover his face like this.
He takes it off.Cocaine's gone at this point.
And he goes, "I'm not bleeding."
And he wasn't.
And then he put his handover his face again
and he took it offand I was like...
[exhales]"Now you are.
"A lot, man.
"Your--your face isn't supposedto do that, man.
"Maybe the cocaine acted asa coagulant for a second,
but you're gushing right now,man."
And Sparks said,"I'm calling the cops."
I was like, "The cops?For what, alligator assault?
"What the hell are youcalling the cops for, man?
"Like, let me remind you, man,
"you've got marijuana, cocaine,and alcohol here
"with underage kids,
"and you just took a gatorto the face, man.
"The cops are just gonnacome in here
"and beat the hell out of us.
"You need medical attention.Call 911.
They don't care aboutthis kind of stuff."
He said, "No.I'm calling the cops."
I said, "We'll, I'm not gonna behere when they get here."
And I thanked Sparksfor having me,
hit him with a"see you later, alligator,"
got the hell out ofFort McHenry.
I'm Ryan Sickler.Thank you.