Kyle Cease - Pillsbury Doughboy

Ahdoot, DiGiorgio, Butler, Cease Season 9, Ep 905 01/06/2006 Views: 8,229

It is never normal to have the Pillsbury Doughboy around. (4:12)

MORE THAN THAT.MORE THAN THAT.

OH. THIS IS SUCH A GOOD CROWD. USUALLY I HAVE TO DO

CORPORATE PARTIES, AND THEY'RE LIKE 97 YEARS OLD.

AND THEY'RE LIKE "TALK ABOUT WORLD WAR II AND CRAPPING YOUR PANTS."

AND I DON'T HAVE JOKES ABOUT EITHER OF THOSE THINGS,

'CAUSE I'VE NEVER BEEN TO WORLD WAR II. BUT HERE'S THE THING.

I KNOW. I'M VERY FUNNY. HERE'S THE THING, THOUGH.

WE HAVE STUFF IN COMMON.LIKE, RIGHT OFF THE BAT,

WHO HERE LIKE ME OWNED THE ORIGINAL NINTENDO?

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- OH. HOW GREAT.

HOW GREAT WAS THE ORIGINAL NINTENDO?

THEY TRIED TO COME OUTWITH THEIR NEW SYSTEMS.

AND THE NEW SYSTEMS ARE LIKE, "OH, LOOK, I'M A NEW SYSTEM."

BUT THE ORIGINAL NINTENDO WAS THE BEST SYSTEM EVER,

'CAUSE IT'S THE ONLY SYSTEM THAT IF IT DIDN'T WORK,

YOU COULD FIX IT BY BLOWING INTO IT ALL DAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

REMEMBER THAT?

YOU TRY TO DO IT FAST FIRST.

WHEN THAT DIDN'T WORK. SO SLOW. MAYBE IT'S THE CARTRIDGE.

MAYBE IT'S THE CARTRIDGE. I DON'T KNOW.

- [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE] - YES, YOU GUYS ARE GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE BEST PART OF NINTENDO WAS, THE CODES.

WE HAD CODES THAT GOT US TOTHE END OF THE GAME IMMEDIATELY.

WHY CAN'T WE HAVE THAT IN REAL LIFE?

JUST ONCE, I'D LOVE TO BE ON A DATE WITH A CHICK.

AND WHEN SHE STARTS TALKING ABOUT HER CATS AND SHE'S LIKE,

"AND THIS CAT LIKES CORN, AND THIS ONE EATS GRAVY,

AND THIS ONE HAD DIARRHEA,"I CAN BE LIKE,

UP, UP, DOWN, DOWN, LEFT, RIGHT, LEFT, RIGHT, B, A, SELECT STAR.

AND I'M IN BED WITH HER. NO MORE CATS.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]- OH, I LOVE THIS CROWD.

I LOVE THIS CROWD. YOU GUYS ARE GOOD.

OKAY. OKAY.

SO, DOES THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOYJUST SHOW UP IN PEOPLE'S HOUSES

AND START DANCINGON THEIR COUNTERS ANDEVERYONE'S OKAY WITH IT?

IT'S SO WEIRD, THEY'LL JUST BE IN THEIR HOUSE, LIKE,

"NO TOASTER'S LOVING LIKE MY TOASTER STRUDEL."

AND THE LADY'S LIKE, "OH, PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY, IT'S SO NORMAL YOU'RE HERE."

NO, IT'S NOT. IT'S A WEIRD TWO-INCH-TALL GUY

ON YOUR COUNTERWITH NO HANDS AND FEET.

AND HE'S EXCITED ABOUT NOTHING.

THEY'LL JUST BEPULLING COOKIES OUT OF AN OVEN.

AND HE'S LIKE, "COOKIES,"

LIKE HE CAN'T BELIEVE COOKIES COME OUT OF AN OVEN.

WHAT A JERK. THAT'S HIS FRIENDS IN THERE, YOU GUYS.

THAT'S HIS FRIENDS IN THE OVEN.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - YEAH. YEAH. IT'S WEIRD.

IT'S SO WEIRD. YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

YEAH, YEAH, SEE YOU GUYSARE ALL FRIENDS OF MINE.

AND IF ANYONE PULLED YOU OUT OF AN OVEN, I WON'T YELL, "COOKIES."

I SWEAR TO GOD. I WOULDN'T. I'D BE LIKE, STEVE, OR GARY,

OR THE GUY WHO SHOULD WEAR A HAT MORE FREQUENTLY.

GET OUT OF THE OVEN. IT'S HOT. AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE IN THERE.

BUT THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY'S LIKE,

"STAY IN THERE, BITCH."THAT'S HOW HE TALKS.

YOU GUYS ARE FUN.HAVE YOU EVER DONE THIS?

HAVE YOU EVER HAD IT WHENYOU'RE WALKING IN ONE DIRECTION

AND THEN YOU REALIZE YOU'RE GOING THE TOTAL WRONG WAY,

SO YOU HAVE TO TURN AROUND? BUT YOU CAN'T JUST TURN AROUND.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW OTHER PEOPLE ARE WATCHING YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

YOU HAVE TO DO OTHER STUFF TOO FOR SOME--

YOU GOTTA BE LIKE, "OH, YEAH." AND THEN TURN AROUND.

WHY IS THAT? WHY IS THAT? IT'S SO WEIRD.

I GUESS YOU HAVE TO--

YOU'D LOOK SO WEIRD IF YOU'RE JUST LIKE HMM...

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I LIKE TO ACT LIKE IT'S ON PURPOSE.

I'LL JUST BE LIKE, "WRONG WAY, BITCH." AND THEN I KEEP GOING.

MADE THAT MISTAKE EARLIERAND I LOVE IT.

OR HAVE YOU EVER HAD IT WHEN YOU TALK TO SOMEONE FOR A WHILE

AND THEN YOU SAY GOODBYE TO THEM

AND THEN YOU BOTH LEAVEIN THE SAME DIRECTION?

NOW IT'S ALL SCREWED UP 'CAUSE YOU'VE SAID GOODBYE

AND YOU DON'T EVEN GET IT IF YOU'RE ALLOWED TO TALK ANYMORE.

LIKE DUDE, SHUT UP. WE HAD A DEAL.

WE SAID IT OVER THERE. SO MANY WEIRD THINGS.

I'LL LEAVE YOU WITH THIS. MY ROOMMATE'S JAPANESE.

AND ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF PEARL HARBOR,

I SURPRISED, WOKE HIM UP FOR A CHANGE, WHICH WAS KINDA FUN.

NO, IT'S TRUE. I WENT INTOHIS ROOM WITH A POT AND A HAMMER

AND I WENT DING,DING, DING, DING, DING!

AND HE WOKE UP IN A PANIC. AND I WENT,

"NEVER FORGET, BITCH." AND I LEFT.

AND YOU WANNA LEAVE IMMEDIATELY AFTER YOU DO THAT.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN AWESOME. THANK YOU.

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