Gabriel Iglesias - Drunk Driving

Gabriel Iglesias: Hot and Fluffy Season 1, Ep 0101 08/04/2007 Views: 514,673

Gabriel Iglesias describes the two very different reactions drunk drivers have when they're caught by the police. (3:13)

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK,

YOU'RE LIKE, YOU KNOW,

( imitates car engine )

BEHIND YOU, YOU HEAR,

( imitates truck horn )

"SHUT UP, STUPID."

IF YOU HEAR THE MAGICAL SOUND,

( imitates siren )

ONE OF TWO THINGS WILL

POP INTO YOUR HEAD.

EITHER, ONE,

"I'M OKAY, I'M FINE.

I CAN BEAT THIS."

OR, TWO--

( imitates siren )

"I'M GONNA GO TO JAIL."

"I'M GONNA GO TO JAIL.

"I'M GONNA GO TO JAIL.

"I GOTTA LET YOU GO, BABE.

"I'M GONNA GO TO JAIL.

TELL THE KIDS I LOVE 'EM, BYE."

( imitates car pulling over )

I'M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,

AGAIN, IF YOU CAN MAKE

THE POLICE LAUGH,

YOU HAVE A CHANCE.

IF YOU DO GET PULLED OVER

FOR DRUNK DRIVING, OKAY ?

PULL OVER AS SLOWLY

AND SAFELY AS YOU CAN.

GET OVER TO THE LANE--

NOW, IF YOU KNOW FOR

A FACT THAT YOU ARE

GONNA GO TO JAIL, OKAY ?

YOU'RE ALREADY-- I'M GONE.

HAVE A LITTLE FUN.

I DON'T MEAN TAKE OFF

IN A HIGH-SPEED PURSUIT,

NO, NO, NO, DON'T DO THAT,

'CAUSE YOU'RE NOT

GONNA GET VERY FAR.

IF YOU'RE DRUNK AND YOU KNOW

YOU'RE GONNA GO TO JAIL,

AND YOU HAVE TINTED WINDOWS,

HAVE A LITTLE EXTRA FUN.

TAKE OFF YOUR SEAT BELT,

JUMP OVER TO THE PASSENGER SIDE,

THROW YOUR SEAT BELT BACK ON,

AND JUST WAIT FOR THE COP.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW BAD

YOU'RE GONNA THROW

HIS ASS OFF, YOU GUYS.

HE'S GONNA COME OVER TO

THE DRIVER'S SIDE WITH

A FLASHLIGHT AND--

YOU'RE SITTING THERE, JUST--

"HE WAS HERE A SECOND AGO.

"I DON'T KNOW WHERE HE WENT.

"EXCUSE ME, WHAT ?

"ME, DRIVE ?

OH, HELL NO, I'M ( bleep ) UP."

THAT'S SAD, 'CAUSE I KNOW SOME

OF YOU ARE GONNA TRY IT, MAN,

YOU'RE LIKE--

"DO WHAT THE FAT

GUY SAID, DO IT !"

AND FOR THE RECORD, I'M NOT FAT,

I'M FLUFFY.

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO

STILL DON'T KNOW, THERE ARE

FIVE LEVELS OF FATNESS.

"FLUFFY" IS ONE OF THE LEVELS.

THERE'S "BIG," "HEALTHY,"

"HUSKY," "FLUFFY,"

AND "DAMN !"

I'M STILL NUMBER FOUR.

PEOPLE GO, "HOW DO YOU KNOW

WHEN YOU'RE NUMBER FIVE ?"

WELL, 'CAUSE PEOPLE WILL

TELL YOU, YOU KNOW ?

IF YOU TRY TO GET ON AN

ELEVATOR THAT'S CROWDED,

AND PEOPLE STOP YOU

AND GO "UH-UH !"

DAMN !

IF YOU GO TO DISNEYLAND AND

LITTLE KIDS WANNA RIDE YOU.

"I WANT TO GET ON THAT ONE !"

( imitates bear growling )

"DAMN."