Pat Dixon - Heroin Junkie

  • Season 10 , Ep 17
  • 04/13/2006
  • Views: 3,834

Don't ever fall in love with a heroin junkie. (2:57)

IF YOU WERE TO ASK MEWHAT'S MY FAVORITE BEER,

I PROBABLY WOULD'VE SAID I DON'T KNOW,

- THE FIFTH ONE, I GUESS. - [LAUGHTER]

THAT'S THE ONE THAT MAKES ME GOOD-LOOKING, AND CLEVER, AND EVEN WISE.

AND THOSE ARE IMPORTANT QUALITIES TO HAVE

WHEN IT'S NOON AND YOU'RE DRINKING ALONE ON YOUR COUCH.

[LAUGHTER]

ALCOHOL WAS A BIG DRUG OF CHOICE FOR ME. I DID ENJOY THAT.

I TRIED OTHER DRUGS, I GUESS.I'M NOT PROUD OF IT OR WHATEVER.

I DON'T CONDEMN IT. I TRIED TO SMOKE POT AS A TEENAGER.

ME AND SOME FRIENDS OF MINE, WE USED TO TRY POT EVERY DAY

- BEFORE SCHOOL, YOU KNOW. - [LAUGHTER]

AFTER SCHOOL WE'D TRY IT AGAIN. YOU KNOW HOW KIDS ARE,

TRY THINGS EVERY DAYFOR A COUPLE OF YEARS. YOU KNOW.

BOTH OF MY SOPHOMORE YEARS I SMOKED A LOT OF POT.

[LAUGHTER]

I DID START DRINKING TOO YOUNG. I THINK IT HAPPENS NOW.

AND PEOPLE START DRINKING AT TOOYOUNG OF AN AGE AND DOING DRUGS.

I WAS IN THIS CONVENIENCE STOREAND THESE HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS

WERE THERE, RIGHT, AND THEY WANTED ME TO BUY THEM

SOME BEER 'CAUSE THEY'RE TOO YOUNG.

I'M LIKE, I DON'T KNOW. WANNA GO CAMPIN'?

[LAUGHTER]

I TRIED TO TELL HER IT WOULDN'TBE LIKE REGULAR CAMPING.

DO LIKE A HOLIDAY INNOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S THE WAY I LIKE TO CAMP,YOU KNOW,

- WITH HOT WATER AND CARPET. - [LAUGHTER]

I DO LIKE A MEDIUM RANGE HOTEL.

THAT'S WHERE I FEEL THE MOST COMFORTABLE.

I DON'T LIKE TOO EXPENSIVE OR TOO CHEAP.

IT ALWAYS BUGS ME WHEN I CHECK INTO

LIKE A REALLY EXPENSIVE HOTEL.WHEN YOU GO IN--

HIGH CEILINGS AND EVERYTHING. AND THE LOBBY'S ALL FANCY;

AND EVERYBODY'S KIND OF DRESSED TOO WELL.

AND MAYBEA LITTLE CONDESCENDING.

MAYBE THEY GOT A FOUNTAIN,

OR MAYBE THEY GOT APIANO THAT PLAYS ITSELF.

TO ME, THERE'S NOTHING MORE ARROGANT

THAN A PIANO THAT PLAYS ITSELF.

IT'S JUST SITTIN' THERE LIKE,I DON'T NEED YOU. I PLAY MYSELF.

YOU LIKE THAT SONG? THAT'S A BEETHOVEN SONATA, BITCH.

- YOU COULDN'T PLAY THAT-- - [LAUGHTER]

YEAH, YOU COULDN'T PLAY THIS.I PLAY MYSELF.

GET YOUR GRUBBY LITTLE HANDS AWAY FROM ME.

GET UPSTAIRS WITH YOUR TARGET LUGGAGE.

[LAUGHTER]

I HATE BEING TAUNTED BY A PIANO.

I DON'T WANNA STAY IN A PLACETHAT'S TOO CHEAP EITHER, THOUGH.

YOU EVER STAY IN A PLACETHAT'S TOO CHEAP?

LIKE A LITTLE CHEAPER THAN YOU REALLY INTENDED TO STAY IN?

THE KIND OF ROOM YOU WALK INTO, YOU'RE LIKE, DAMN.

THIS LOOKS LIKE AGOOD PLACE TO SHOOT UP.

[LAUGHTER]

AND LOOK, THERE'S ALREADY A NEEDLE ON THE FLOOR BY THE BED.

[LAUGHTER]

DON'T TOUCH IT.I'M SURE THE LAST GUEST WAS DIABETIC.

- THAT'S ALL I KNOW. - [LAUGHTER]

DON'T EVER FALL IN LOVE WITH A HEROINE JUNKY, THOUGH.

IT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.THEY GOT A LOT OF LOVE.

THEY DO. BUT IT'S ALL IN VEIN.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I'M NOT A DRUG USER. BUT ONE TIME I DID ACCIDENTALLY

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