Brian Regan - Politics

Brian Regan: Standing Up Season 1, Ep 1 06/09/2007 Views: 33,222

Brian Regan wishes that he had tried politicians' question-dodging tactics when he was a kid. (3:42)

Politicians like to use the TVfor their negative ads.

I love watching them.

I love the sinistervoice-over guythat they use.

[ Deep Voice ]"He voted to give himselfa pay raise."

Wouldn't you?I-I don't know.

Is that the worst thingyou have on the guy?

"Apparently he wantedmore money...

to provide for his family."

[ Growls ]

Then they morph himinto a devil.[ Roaring ]

This is an actualnegative campaign ad--

I'm not making this up--about the other candidate.

"He voted to allowseven-year-oldsto be Tasered."

That's an actual ad.And they interviewed the guywho had voted for that.

He was, like,"I meant worst-case scenario.

"If the kid gets a weapon,we don't wanna hurt him.

In the worst caseyou can Taser himand get the weapon away."

As if that wasthat man's platform.

"I want to Taserseven-year-olds."

He's talking with his staff--"When I'm elected,

"can we havesome seven-year-oldson the stage with me?

"I think I'll swear in,and then I'll Tasera seven-year-old."

"Think that'd be a nice wayto start the term.

"I solemnly--And then I'll Taseranother one.

How many can webus in for this?"

That's what that manwanted to do.

Politicians are smart, man.

They certainly know howto not answer questions.

They have tricks that no oneever seems to call them on.

"I'm sorry. I'm nottaking questions today."

"Oh. Oh.Well, when will you be--

[ Whispering ]Oh. That's a question."

[ Mouthing Words ]

Not taking questions?

I wish I would have knownthat was an optionwhen I was a kid in school.

"Brian, how do you findthe square rootof a fraction?"

"I'm sorry.I'm not takingquestions today."

You know? Another onethat politicians pull.

"Well, let me answer thatby asking you this."

You can't answer thatby answering that?You can't do that?

I wish I had that stuntready in school too.

"Brian, how did World War Iaffect the economyof central Europe?"

"Well, let me answer thatby asking you this.

"How much woodwould a woodchuck chuck,

"if a woodchuckcould chuck wood?

I think I've made my point."

[ Chuckles ]

They had local electionswhere we were living,and we had just moved there,

so I didn't knowany of the candidates,but that didn't matter,

'cause theywould put billboardson the side of the road...

with their nameand two one-word qualities.

Which is really all you needto make an informed decision.

"Steve Wilson.Leadership. Integrity."

[ Chuckles ]"Say no more.

That's what I'm looking for,right, honey?Those two things."

The only waythat would be helpful...

is if his opponent hada billboard right next to it--

"Floyd Nimrod.Laziness. Thievery."

"I don't think so, Mr. Nimrod.

"Not when you compare,when you really weigheverything.

"When you really step backand weigh it.

No. Not-Not-- No."