Jimmy Dore - Just a Rash

Dore, Vos, Donnelly, Tess Season 5, Ep 503 10/26/2001 Views: 874

Jimmy serves as his nurse's punchline. (4:30)

JIMMY DORE>> OH, GOD BLESS

AMERICA.

YEAH.

HELLO.

I GOT TO TELL YOU WHAT.

I'VE BEEN NOTICING A TREND

IN AMERICA.

PEOPLE LIKE TO SANITIZE

THEIR SIN.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

THEY GO TO LAS VEGAS NOW.

THEY DON'T EVEN CALL IT GAMBLING

ANYMORE.

THEY CALL IT "GAMING".

OOHH.

IT'S SOUND LIKE A CHRISTIAN

THING TO DO, DOESN'T IT?

"WE'RE GOING TO GO GAMING."

"YOU MEAN LIKE PERCHESE?"

"NO.

IT'S GAMBLING FOR MONEY.

YOU KNOW.

COME ON.

I EVEN SAW THIS LADY BEING

INTERVIEWED.

SHE WAS A SPOKESMAN FOR A

CASINO.

AND SHE SAID--

THE GUY TRIED TO CORNER HER--

AND HE SAID," DON'T YOU THINK

IT'S HORRIBLE THE WAY YOU TRICK

PEOPLE INTO THINKING THEY CAN

WIN MONEY WHEN THE ODDS ARE

REALLY STACKED AGAINST THEM?"

SHE SAID, "WELL, I DON'T THINK

PEOPLE EXPECT TO WIN MONEY

WHEN THEY COME TO A CASINO.

I THINK THEY LOOK AT IT AS

ENTERTAINMENT."

WHAT DICTIONARY ARE YOU USING

EXACTLY?

IF I SEE BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN

DO A FOUR HOUR SHOW,

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT.

IF I LOSE TWELVE HUNDRED DOLLARS

AT A CRAP TABLE, THAT IS A

HORRIFIC EVENING.

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

I'M GONNA TELL YOU A STORY

BEFORE I GET GOING.

NOW, IT'S GONNA HELP YOU ENJOY

THE STORY IF YOU KEEP THIS

IN MIND.

IT TURNED OUT, IT'S JUST A RASH.

(LAUGHTER)

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT.

KEEP THAT IN MIND.

THIS IS PRETTY RECENT.

IT WAS LIKE ABOUT TWO MONTHS

AGO.

I KEPT GETTING THESE PIMPLES

ON MY FACE IN THE SAME PLACE.

THEY'D GO AWAY BUT THEY'D COME

BACK RIGHT IN THE SAME PLACE.

SO MY MOM CONVINCED ME--

"IT'S CANCER.

YOU SHOULD SEE A DOCTOR.

THAT'S CANCER."

I'M LIKE, "I'M NOT GONNA SEE A

DOCTOR FOR PIMPLES, YOU KNOW?"

AND THEN ABOUT A WEEK LATER,

I GOT THIS RED MARK ON MY

TESTICLE.

AND I WAS LIKE, "I BETTER SEE

A FRIGGIN' DOCTOR RIGHT AWAY."

SO, NOW I'M SITTING IN THE

WAITING ROOM--

NOW I'M ALREADY WOUND UP

LIKE A RUBBER BAND--

I DON'T WANT TO SHOW THIS

TO ANYBODY.

I DON'T WANT ANYONE TO HAVE

TO SEE IT.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT

IS...

BUT I DON'T WANT TO DIE.

SO AFTER WHAT SEEMS LIKE AN

ETERNITY, THEY GO, "ALL RIGHT,

MR. DORE.

WE'RE READY FOR YOU."

THEY TAKE ME INTO THE ROOM.

AND I GO INTO THE EXAMINING

ROOM, AND IT'S A WOMAN.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AHH!

SHE'S LIKE FIFTY FIVE YEARS OLD.

SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE MY MOM.

AND SHE'S GOT ANOTHER WOMAN

HELPING HER.

"SON OF A BITCH!"

SO I'M SITTING THERE AND THEY'RE

LIKE, "SO, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

AND I'M LIKE "AH, I GOT THESE

PIMPLES.

I UNDERSTAND IT COULD BE

CANCER."

THEY'RE LIKE "IS THERE ANYTHING

ELSE WRONG?"

AND IN MY HEAD I'M GOING

"JUST LEAVE, JIM.

GET ANOTHER DOCTOR.

YOU DON'T NEED THIS STRESS."

AND THEN I SAID "JIM, DON'T BE

AN IDIOT.

THESE ARE MEDICAL PROFESSIONALS.

YOU'RE IN A MEDICAL OFFICE.

THEY SEE THIS STUFF EVERYDAY.

BE A GROWN-UP."

SO I SAID "ALL RIGHT.

I HAVE A RED MARK ON MY...

AH, TESTICLE."

SHE SAID "WELL, GET OVER HERE

AND STRIP.

WE'VE GOT TO TAKE A LOOK AT IT."

OH, STRIP.

AND I GET UP AND I START TO TAKE

MY PANTS OFF AND SHE SAYS

"I'M JUST KIDDING.

SIT DOWN."

"WHAT?

I'M GLAD I CAN BE YOUR PUNCH

LINE FOR THE AFTERNOON."

SHE SAYS, "WELL, JUST SIT DOWN

AND THE DOCTOR WILL BE IN

IN A MINUTE."

"YOU'RE NOT EVEN THE DOCTOR?"

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SO, NOW...

SO, NOW I WANT TO GET THEM BACK,

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I FIGURE WHEN THE DOCTOR WHEN

THE DOCTOR COMES IN I'M GONNA

TELL.

I'M TELLING.

SO THE DOCTOR COMES IN AND SAY

"HEY, I HEARD MY NURSE PLAYED

A GOOD JOKE YOU.

I TELL THEM TO KEEP IT FUN

AROUND HERE.

HA, HA, HA, HA."

"YOU SON OF A BITCH.

THIS IS YOUR FAULT?"

SO THEN I WANT TO HURT HIM,

BUT I DON'T KNOW EXACTLY

WHAT TO DO.

YOU KNOW.

HE SAYS "SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?"

I GO "OH, I GOT A THING ON MY

TESTICLE.

YOU WANT TO SEE IT?"

HE GOES "OH, OKAY."

SO HE GETS OUT A CHAIR RIGHT

IN FRONT OF ME.

AND HE SITS DOWN.

AND I PULL MY PANTS DOWN.

AND HE LEANS IN AND HE'S GETTING

A GOOD LOOK.

AND HE'S GETTING A GOOD LOOK.

AND THEN REAL GENTLY, I PUT MY

HAND ON THE BACK OF HIS HEAD...

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

AND HE STARTS TO PULL AWAY

AND HE GOES "HEY, WHAT ARE YOU

DOING?"

I GO "SHH, SHH, SHH.

I THINK WE'RE EVEN."

HEY, I'M JIMMY DORE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYING) ♪