Chris D'Elia - Church Is Creepy Pt. 1

Chris D'Elia: White Male. Black Comic. Season 1, Ep 101 11/20/2013 Views: 31,326

As a kid, Chris D'Elia accepted whatever his parents told him, but now he knows better. (2:09)

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D'Elia: YOU GUYS GO TO CHURCH?THAT'S CREEPY.

[ LAUGHTER ]

NO? WE'RE ALL GOING TO HELL?ALL RIGHT, FORGET IT.

[ LAUGHTER ]

YOU KNOW,BECAUSE HERE'S THE THING, MAN.

PEOPLE ACTLIKE CHURCH ISN'T CREEPY.

BUT IT'S DEFINITELY CREEPY.YOU KNOW?

LIKE, I GREW UP CATHOLIC,YOU KNOW?

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

YO, THIS JOKE ISN'T GONNA GOVERY WELL FOR YOU GUYS.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ LAUGHS ]

THIS ISN'T THE FUNNY,POSITIVE CATHOLIC BIT.

[ LAUGHS ]

HOW COME PRIESTS ARE SO GREAT

AND NEVER DOANYTHING SCANDALOUS?

LIKE, BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT,

BUT DON'T ACT LIKE CHURCHISN'T CREEPY.

IT'S DEFINITELY CREEPY.

LIKE, I GREW UPIN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH,

YOU KNOW, AND, LIKE, WHATEVER.

YOU JUST KIND OF BELIEVEWHATEVER YOUR PARENTS TELL YOU,

YOU KNOW?

YOU DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.YOU'RE JUST LIKE, "NO WAY.

"HE DIED FOR ALL OF USSO WE COULD ALL LIVE?

AWESOME!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

"HE HUNG HIMSELF ON THE CROSSFOR THAT MANY DAYS

"AND THAT'S WHY NOW WE WENTTHROUGH GENERATIONS

"AND GENERATIONSAND BUILD BUILDINGS

"AND HAVE A SOCIETY AND CANHARVEST FRUITS AND VEGETABLES

"AND THAT'SWHY NOW I CAN PLAY Xbox?

AWESOME!"

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

THAT'S ALL YOU CARE ABOUTAS A LITTLE KID.

[ LAUGHTER ]

BUT I GREW UPAND WALKED INTO CHURCH RECENTLY

WITH MY ADULT, MADE-UP BRAIN.

[ LAUGHTER ]

AND I WAS LIKE,"MAN, HOW DID I NOT REALIZE,

WHEN I WAS A KID,THAT THIS WAS SO CREEPY?"

BELIEVE WHAT YOU WANT,

BUT DON'T ACT LIKE CHURCHISN'T CREEPY, MAN.

THERE'S TALL WALLS

WITH STAINED-GLASS WINDOWSUP AT THE TOP.

THERE'S PEOPLEON THE STAINED-GLASS WINDOWS

WITH THORNS AROUND THEIR HEAD.

THEY'RE BLEEDINGFROM THE THORNS,

CRYING OUT OF THEIR EYEBALLS.

THEIR CLOTHING'S ALL RIPPED,

AND HOW COMEEVERYBODY'S FACIAL EXPRESSION

ON THE STAINED-GLASS WINDOWIS ALWAYS THIS?

[ LAUGHTER ]

RIGHT?

IT'S LIKE SOMETHING CREEPYJUST HAPPENED,

BUT WE DEFINITELY CAN'T TALKABOUT IT HERE AT CHURCH.

[ LAUGHTER ]

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]