President Trump: America's Xenophobic Grandpa

February 15, 2017 - Mark Mazzetti 02/15/2017 Views: 95,225

After months of Donald Trump's angry rhetoric, cable news binges and nonsensical rants, Trevor reminds viewers that the president is just like many other senior citizens. (8:26)

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From the very beginningof, uh, Donald Trump's campaign,

the nickname "Teflon Don"has seemed perfect for him,

because regardlessof the scandal,

Trump has always emergedwithout consequence, right?

With this-with thisRussia-Flynn story, though,

it seems like that might change.

General Flynnwas forced to resign

as national security adviser.All right?

On top of that, GOP senatorsare calling for an investigation

into Trump's tries to Russia,

whereas before, they were like,"Meh." You know?

And Mike Pence is forcing Trump

to get his back tattooof Putin removed.

There are consequences.There are.

Yeah, that's a Trump stamp.That's what that is.

-Anyway...-(cheering, applause)

Anyway, Trump's beenfairly quiet

since he was forcedto fire Flynn on Monday night.

But today he got the chanceto address the issue.

Michael Flynn, General Flynn,is a wonderful man.

I think he's been treated very,very unfairly by the media.

Um... As I call it,"the fake media,"

in many cases. And, uh...

I think it's really a sad thingthat he was treated so badly.

Yeah, yeah,it's-it's really not fair

that journalists did their job

by reporting that Flynnlied to the vice president

about speaking to the Russians.

Yeah, that's sad. That...

Wait, that's whatyou call unfair?

Or, as Wolf Blitzer would say,"un-fair"?

Who is this person?

I also... Uh, Donald Trump,

you realize that you fired Flynn, right?

You fired him.

The media didn't fire him, you fired him.

That's... that'sthe one part of this job

you should understand:they screw up, you fire them.

Remember this? Remember this?

(laughter)

Now it seems like Trump doesn'tknow anything about firing.

You know what, I'm startingto think that NBC show

wasn't real at all. I'm-I'mjust gonna put it out there.

You know, the more... the moreyou watch Donald Trump,

the less he makes sense.And we can't lie--

let's be honest,he's got us all confused, right?

He fired Flynn,but now he's acting

like he doesn't knowwhy it happened.

Like, we've been wrackingour brains over everything.

Is it incompetence? Is itsome master plan? You know?

And then, and then we saw

it's been in front of usthis whole time.

Donald Trump is 70 years old.

Donald Trumpwill be the oldest person

that will be presidentof the United States.

The oldest man everto be inaugurated.

(laughter)

Guys, Trump's an old man.

No, like, really old.

And maybe that's just it.

Maybe that's just it.

Think about it.

Who watches a ton of TV news

and complainsabout everything they see?

Old people.

(cheering and applause)

Who-who goes to Florida

because their bonescan't handle the cold?

Old people.

And look at that ass and tell me

that's not an adult du...diaper underneath those pants.

You tell me he's not wearing anadult diaper under those pa...

He literally has junkin his trunk, people!

Donald Trump is an old man.

Like, what's one thing you knowold people love to do?

Talk about how good things used to be.

When they weren't old.

So, when I was youngand went to school,

I had always heardwe never lost.

This country,we never lost a war.

Oh, I remember those stories.

Oh, I love the old days,you know?

There's a guy, totallydisruptive, throwing punches.

We're not allowedto punch back anymore.

I love the old days.

Yeah, Trump.

And now that you're president,we miss the old days, too.

-(cheering and applause)-Everyone misses the old days.

Everyone.

Even-even babies missthe old days.

Like, "O-Obama. Bama.

Hope and change me."

A-And when you look back,when you look back,

you see that Donald Trump,he's been showing signs of aging

for a while. We justweren't paying attention.

Like, before allof this president stuff,

he would just sit at his deskat Trump Tower

and make the most randomlunchtime videos.

Major League Baseball letPete Rose into the Hall of Fame.

He deserves it.

President Obamawas constantly chewing gum!

I will not have anything to dowith Geico

as long as that commercial...We ought to boycott Geico.

They've got this third-rate guy

actinglike he's Humphrey Bogart.

They're remaking Indiana Jones without Harrison Ford!

You can't do that!

And now they're making Ghostbusters with only women!

I love just about more thananything are waffles

when they're done properly,with butter and syrup.

There's nothing betterthan properly done waffles

with butter and syrupall over 'em.

(laughing)

I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry.I'm sorry, wait.

No, like...(laughs)

No, guys, no.

No, how did this manbecome president?

Waffles?

He's old!

Nothing says grandpa likespeaking at Shakespearean length

about breakfast.

He knows everythingabout that meal.

Like, where isthis waffle-level expertise

when he's talking about tradepolicies or health care reform

or unemployment numbers?

You can't put syrupon unemployment numbers.

You can try, but you can't.

Like, maybe the CIA needsto conduct briefings

over breakfast just sothat he'll understand, you know?

"So, the ISIS sausageis invading the Syria muffin.

Are you with me?"

Like, once you realizehow old Trump is,

he seems a lot less diabolicaland a lot more... sad.

Because as any Nigerianscam artist will tell you,

old people are really easyto take advantage of.

President Trump did not knowthe contents

of one of the executive ordershe was signing.

He didn't know thathe was putting Steve Bannon,

giving him a permanent seat, onthe National Security Council.

Shame, guys.

Poor Trump.

They were just handing himexecutive orders.

He's just signed them.He didn't even know.

It's like his grandkids tryingto get their inheritance early.

-(laughter) -You know,just like, "What? What is this?

"What? What is this? Euthanasia?

-What's going on here?"-(laughter)

"What is this?Is this about Asians?

"All right, I'll sign it...as long you get rid of them."

"Oh, we're getting ridof something, Grandpa."

-"That's right.Good job, good job." -(laughter)

People, maybewe've been too hard on Trump.

Maybe he's not racist.

He's just really old.

Yeah. Call your grandparentright now.

Call them and casually ask themwhat they think of any race.

-See what happens.-(laughter)

If we weren't livingin this world,

this would bea really hilarious situation.

Think about it.

A 70-something-year-oldxenophobic grandpa

somehow becomes the leader

of the most powerful nationin the world.

It sounds less like reality

and more like the premiseof an NBC sitcom.

MALE ANNOUNCER: He's the commander-in-chief,

and he's a really old man.

It's 4:00!Where's my dinner?!

-♪ Thank you for president... -MAN: He's President Grandpa

in TV's number one new hit comedy Golden Guy.

Oh, good, you're here.

We need the windowsand the floors cleaned.

I am the presidentof the Ecuador.

I don't care what door you came in.

ANNOUNCER: Dave Itzkoff of the New York Times

calls it "A terrible show."

President Grandpa, the terroristleader is getting away.

We need a decision now, sir.

Did I ever tell youabout the time

-I found five dollarsin my jacket? -(laughter)

Did I ever tell youabout the time

-I met an Oriental manin the market? -(laughter)

Oh, did I ever tell you aboutthe time I caught a shark?

Did I ever tell youabout the time I invented jazz?

We originally called it"jazz ma-tazz,"

but a colored guy shortened it.

ANNOUNCER: It the series critics are calling

"shockingly realistic,"

-and "too true to be funny." -Tom Brady.

How's that hot wife of yours?

Nurse? Nurse?!

Why doesn't thisnurse button work?

That doesn't say "nurse."It says "nukes."

Uh-oh.

ANNOUNCER: Golden Guy, Monday through Sunday

for the next four years only on NBC.

(audience groaning)