Let's have another roundof applause when I'm done.
I saw this commercial recentlythat changed my life.
It was an anti-drug commercial.
And the way it changed my life
is, it made it30 seconds shorter.
It's the one where this girl'stalking to her dog,
and the dog's, like,"Don't smoke pot.
"You're a different personwhen you smoke pot.
I miss my friend.Don't smoke pot."
And that's the endof the commercial,
but I feel like if it went onfor a moment longer,
the girl would be, like,
"But I should keep doingmushrooms, right?
To facilitate this communication?"
And the dog would be all, like,"Yeah, mushrooms are cool."
Sincerely, though, if your dogtells you to stop smoking,
you probably should.
Either that or get a cooler dog,'cause your dog's a square.
I was in a Chinese restaurantrecently, and I was thinking
about how a small duckis called a duckling,
and I canceled my orderof dumplings.
'Cause I'm a vegetarian,and as a vegetarian,
I strongly support, of course,gay marriage, and, uh...
I support, uh, gay marriageas a vegetarian,
because I'm from Massachusetts,where we have marriage
of the gays, or to the gays,or with the gays,
whatever the preposition is.
Uh, probably "betwixt," I thinkthat's the gayest preposition.
So, we have marriage betwixtthe gays,
and a lot of people in theirarguments against it,
they jump to animals.
They're, like,"In Massachusetts,
"you can marry a gay person.
What's next,you marry an animal?"
Like, if that made sense,
I'd use that kind of logicarguing as a vegetarian.
Be like,"You guys all eat animals.
Next thing you know,you're eating gay people."
It's not even the next step.From a gay person to an animal,
first, you marry a child,then three guys,
then a dead person,then an animal.
Like, what are youworried about?
"I now pronounce you dead gaybaby, dog and dude and wife"?
Like, "You may lickthe bride's ass."
That's not happening, everybody.
Nobody's marrying animals,'cause why buy the cow...
when you havea significant udder and, uh...
And that's where you guys aregonna judge me in that joke?
You're, like, "Necrophilia,we're with you.
Bestiality, hilarious.Puns, hold on."
Feel free to talk aboutbanging a dead dog.
Don't make a cleverwordplay about it.
Don't give a dog "a bone," okay?
It's not "puppy love."
Canine, not K-69.Fair enough. Fair enough.