Paul Varghese - Empty Apartment

  • Season 2 , Ep 0202
  • 07/12/2007
  • Views: 10,685

Paul Varghese's apartment has a bed and a set of drawers. (2:40)

moved into a new house,

and I went down thereto help them unpack.

It's weird, 'cause I don't haveanything in my house.

I don't own anything.I have nothing in my apartment.

I have a bed and a setof drawers. That's all I got.

It's like the shortest episodeof MTV Cribs ever.

You know what I mean?

Like, you see all those peopleon TV crying

when they lose everything,like, in an apartment fire.

I'd be the worst everto interview, you know?

They're, like, all... You know,they'd lose everything.

They'll be, like, "Paul, uh,sir, uh, what did you lose?"

"Oh, my God.

I got this girl's numbertwo days ago."

(laughter)

It kills me.

So now I'm in the processof trying to buy a new car.

I'm trying to save up moneyto buy a new car.

I don't really knowwhat I want, you know?

Here's the thing.Here's the thing.

I was, like, actually thinking

about buying a convertible,okay?

I thoughtit would be cool, right?

When the weather's good,

you get to drive aroundwith the top down, right?

But then I thought,what if I was at a stoplight?

How would I avoidthe homeless guy?

(laughter)

(laughter continues)

(laughter continues)

(laughter)

(laughter)

This is a long-ass light.

(laughter)

Here's the homeless guy.

"Hey, sir, please,can I have a dollar?

Sir?"

(laughter)

"You got 75 centsin your cup holder."

(laughter)

"Did you just lock the door?"

(laughter)

Right?

I mean, you can't nonchalantlyput the top up, right?

(laughter)

"Watch your fingers."

(laughter)

All right.

You know what's weirdabout that joke...?

I just used the word"nonchalantly."

(laughter)

Seriously, I never use the word"nonchalantly."

You know what's weirdabout the word "nonchalantly"?

Nobody ever uses the word"chalantly."

(laughter)

Like, how did that slip through,right?

Like nonfiction, fiction.

Nobody ever says "chalantly."

Unless you're, like, in Harlem,

and then some mom is screamingfor her kid.

"Chalantly!"

(laughter and applause)

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