THIS MAKES UP FORA LOT OF BAD GIGS I'VE DONE.
I WAS IN WICHITA, KANSAS.
I AIN'T BRAGGING.[ LAUGHTER ]
CLUB OWNER COMES UP TO MEAFTER THE SHOW,
AND HE GOES,"HEY, DON'T SAY [BLEEP] HERE.
IF BILL COSBY WAS HERE,HE WOULDN'T SAY [BLEEP]"
I SAID, "IF BILL COSBYWAS IN WICHITA, KANSAS,
MAKING THE MONEY I'M MAKING,HE'D SAY [BLEEP]"
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I WAS IN KANSAS.THEY HAD ALL THESE TORNADOES.
JUST WIPED OUTALL THESE MOBILE-HOME VILLAGES.
WHEN ARE PEOPLE GONNA STOPMAKING MOBILE HOMES?
I MEAN, THE SMARTEST PIGLIVED IN A BRICK HOUSE.
[ LAUGHTER ]
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
IT'S AS SIMPLEAS A CHILDREN'S STORY.
MAN, I'M SADTHE OLYMPICS ARE OVER.
I MISS THEM. I REALLY GOTINTO THE OLYMPICS, MAN.
[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
MY FAVORITE OLYMPIC SPORTIS BOXING.
I ACTUALLY BOXED ONCEWHEN I WAS 13.
I HAD ONE FIGHT.
I CAME IN SECOND.
[ LAUGHTER ]
THE BELL RANG,
A DUDE CAME OUTAND PUNCHED ME IN THE HEAD.
I THOUGHT, "DAMN,I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT A GUITAR."
BUT THE SCREWED-UP THING --
MY DAD VIDEOTAPEDTHE WHOLE THING, MAN.
WHENEVER I GO HOME TO VISIT,
MY DAD STILL PULLS OUTTHIS VIDEOTAPE.
"HEY, MR. LAUGHTER,YOU WANT TO SEE SOME COMEDY?
"COME HERE.SIT YOUR ASS DOWN RIGHT HERE.
"WATCH THIS.I'M GONNA REWIND THIS PART.
"LOOK AT THAT, LOOK AT THAT.
"THAT'S YOUR BLOOD GOING FROMTHE FLOOR BACK ONTO YOUR FACE!
WHOO!"[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]
I WAS ACTUALLY IN BEIJINGA FEW YEARS AGO.
IT'S A MAGNIFICENT CITY.
BUT I HAVE TO ADMIT,I'M AFRAID OF CHINESE PEOPLE.
I DON'T KNOW IF YOU SAW
"CROUCHING TIGER,HIDDEN DRAGON"...
OR THE CLOSING CEREMONIESOF THE BEIJING OLYMPICS.
CHINESE PEOPLE CAN FLY.
[ LAUGHTER ]
SO IF THERE'S ANYCHINESE PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT,
ALL I ASK IS PLEASE...
STAY IN YOUR SEATS.
[ LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ]