I HAVE AN INDOOR CAT.
AND JUST WANTED YOU GUYS TO KNOW
THAT.
[LAUGHTER]
SHE'S NEVER BEEN OUTSIDE.
I DON'T EVEN THINK SHE KNOWS
THERE'S SUCH A THING AS THE
OUTDOORS.
I THINK SHE THINKS THAT WHEN
I LEAVE FOR THE DAY I'M JUST
STANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF
THE DOOR FOR 12 HOURS.
[LAUGHTER]
I JUST COME BACK INSIDE.
[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]
AND WHEN I DO COME BACK IN,
SHE'S ALWAYS STARTLED.
SHE DOES THAT SIDEWAYS CRABWALK
WITH HER HAIR STICKING UP.
I'M LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I OWN YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
I BOUGHT YOU AT THE POUND FOR
$36, INCLUDING SHOTS.
I SAVED YOU FROM DEATH.
NOW, GO SIT DOWN AND RELAX.
[LAUGHTER]
I THINK SHE THINKS I'M JUST
LIKE A NEIGHBOR STORING [BLEEP]
AT HER PLACE.
[LAUGHTER]
COMING OVER UNANNOUNCED.
SO, IT'S JUST ME AND MY CAT
HANGING AROUND THE HOUSE.
WHEN I SAY HOUSE, I MEAN...
A ONE ROOM [BLEEP]HOLE THAT
I CAN HARDLY AFFORD.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT I DON'T HAVE A JOB.
I MEAN, I GUESS I DO.
IT'S KIND OF RIDICULOUS,
THOUGH, WHAT I DO.
I FEEL LIKE I JUST TELL JOKES
AND MONEY SHOWS UP.
[LAUGHTER]
BEFORE I CAME TO NEW YORK,
I CHECKED MY BALANCE, AND THE
AUTOMATED TELLER WAS LIKE,
"YOU HAVE SEVEN CENTS."
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S NICE.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE
I'VE HAD A DISPOSABLE INCOME.
[LAUGHTER]
AH.
IT'S WEIRD BEING A COMIC,
BECAUSE IT'S LIKE-- AT MOST,
I WORK AN HOUR A DAY, FIVE DAYS
A WEEK.
AND-- THERE'S-- 23 HOURS
TO KILL.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEN THERE'S SOMETIMES WHERE
THERE'S WEEKS ON END WHERE
I DON'T WORK AT ALL.
SO, IF IT WASN'T FOR THE STREET
SWEEPING SIGNS, MY NEIGHBORHOOD,
I WOULD HAVE NO MOTIVATION
WHATSOEVER TO GET OUT OF BED.
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THERE I AM, EVERY TUESDAY,
AT SIX A.M...
[LAUGHTER]
PASSIVELY-AGGRESSIVELY FIGHTING
MY NEIGHBORS FOR THE SAME SPOT
THAT I KNOW I'LL NEVER GET.
I NEVER DO.
I ALWAYS END UP HAVING TO PARK
IN THE SAME PLACE, LIKE FIVE
BLOCKS AWAY.
NOW, I'M JUST THINKING ABOUT
MOVING DOWN THERE.
[LAUGHTER]
SEEMS TO MAKE THE MOST SENSE.
AND IF COMEDY DOESN'T WORK OUT,
WHAT AM I SAYING?
[LAUGHTER]
IF COMEDY DOESN'T WORK OUT,
I JUST WORKED A WEEK IN SOUTH
BEND INDIANA.
I THINK IT'S CLEAR THAT COMEDY
HAS WORKED OUT.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
IT'S VERY EXCITING.
NO, I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH
A BACK-UP PLAN, BECAUSE I DON'T
KNOW, I JUST--
I'M COMING UP WITH ALL THESE
TV SHOW IDEAS.
I HAVE ONE THAT'S A REALITY
SHOW, YOU KNOW, WITH ALL THE
REALITY TV CRAZE, I FIGURED I'D
COME UP WITH ONE.
LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.
IT'S CALLED INCEST SURVIVOR:
APPALACHIA.
[LAUGHTER]
KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR IT.
I THINK IT'S GONNA BE VERY
POPULAR.
THAT'S REALITY TV.
AND THEN, IF THAT DOESN'T FLY,
I KNOW THE NETWORKS ARE VERY
EXCITED ABOUT INAPPROPRIATELY
TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]