Tig Notaro - Indoor Cat

  • Season 8 , Ep 21
  • 05/13/2004
  • Views: 13,584

Tig's cat has never been outside. (4:07)

I HAVE AN INDOOR CAT.

AND JUST WANTED YOU GUYS TO KNOW

THAT.

[LAUGHTER]

SHE'S NEVER BEEN OUTSIDE.

I DON'T EVEN THINK SHE KNOWS

THERE'S SUCH A THING AS THE

OUTDOORS.

I THINK SHE THINKS THAT WHEN

I LEAVE FOR THE DAY I'M JUST

STANDING ON THE OTHER SIDE OF

THE DOOR FOR 12 HOURS.

[LAUGHTER]

I JUST COME BACK INSIDE.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUES]

AND WHEN I DO COME BACK IN,

SHE'S ALWAYS STARTLED.

SHE DOES THAT SIDEWAYS CRABWALK

WITH HER HAIR STICKING UP.

I'M LIKE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I OWN YOU.

[LAUGHTER]

I BOUGHT YOU AT THE POUND FOR

$36, INCLUDING SHOTS.

I SAVED YOU FROM DEATH.

NOW, GO SIT DOWN AND RELAX.

[LAUGHTER]

I THINK SHE THINKS I'M JUST

LIKE A NEIGHBOR STORING [BLEEP]

AT HER PLACE.

[LAUGHTER]

COMING OVER UNANNOUNCED.

SO, IT'S JUST ME AND MY CAT

HANGING AROUND THE HOUSE.

WHEN I SAY HOUSE, I MEAN...

A ONE ROOM [BLEEP]HOLE THAT

I CAN HARDLY AFFORD.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT I DON'T HAVE A JOB.

I MEAN, I GUESS I DO.

IT'S KIND OF RIDICULOUS,

THOUGH, WHAT I DO.

I FEEL LIKE I JUST TELL JOKES

AND MONEY SHOWS UP.

[LAUGHTER]

BEFORE I CAME TO NEW YORK,

I CHECKED MY BALANCE, AND THE

AUTOMATED TELLER WAS LIKE,

"YOU HAVE SEVEN CENTS."

[LAUGHTER]

IT'S NICE.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE

I'VE HAD A DISPOSABLE INCOME.

[LAUGHTER]

AH.

IT'S WEIRD BEING A COMIC,

BECAUSE IT'S LIKE-- AT MOST,

I WORK AN HOUR A DAY, FIVE DAYS

A WEEK.

AND-- THERE'S-- 23 HOURS

TO KILL.

[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN THERE'S SOMETIMES WHERE

THERE'S WEEKS ON END WHERE

I DON'T WORK AT ALL.

SO, IF IT WASN'T FOR THE STREET

SWEEPING SIGNS, MY NEIGHBORHOOD,

I WOULD HAVE NO MOTIVATION

WHATSOEVER TO GET OUT OF BED.

[LAUGHTER]

BUT THERE I AM, EVERY TUESDAY,

AT SIX A.M...

[LAUGHTER]

PASSIVELY-AGGRESSIVELY FIGHTING

MY NEIGHBORS FOR THE SAME SPOT

THAT I KNOW I'LL NEVER GET.

I NEVER DO.

I ALWAYS END UP HAVING TO PARK

IN THE SAME PLACE, LIKE FIVE

BLOCKS AWAY.

NOW, I'M JUST THINKING ABOUT

MOVING DOWN THERE.

[LAUGHTER]

SEEMS TO MAKE THE MOST SENSE.

AND IF COMEDY DOESN'T WORK OUT,

WHAT AM I SAYING?

[LAUGHTER]

IF COMEDY DOESN'T WORK OUT,

I JUST WORKED A WEEK IN SOUTH

BEND INDIANA.

I THINK IT'S CLEAR THAT COMEDY

HAS WORKED OUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH.

OH, YEAH.

IT'S VERY EXCITING.

NO, I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH

A BACK-UP PLAN, BECAUSE I DON'T

KNOW, I JUST--

I'M COMING UP WITH ALL THESE

TV SHOW IDEAS.

I HAVE ONE THAT'S A REALITY

SHOW, YOU KNOW, WITH ALL THE

REALITY TV CRAZE, I FIGURED I'D

COME UP WITH ONE.

LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK.

IT'S CALLED INCEST SURVIVOR:

APPALACHIA.

[LAUGHTER]

KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR IT.

I THINK IT'S GONNA BE VERY

POPULAR.

THAT'S REALITY TV.

AND THEN, IF THAT DOESN'T FLY,

I KNOW THE NETWORKS ARE VERY

EXCITED ABOUT INAPPROPRIATELY

TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

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