>>
[ SCREAMING ]
>> Jeselnik: DOUBLED IT.
NOW TIME TO PLAY WHAT'S THEIR
PROBLEM.
I'LL SHOW YOU SOMEONE FROM THE
NEWS AND YOU TELL ME WHAT'S
THEIR PROBLEM.
IT'S BRILLIANT.
FIRST UP, LOOK AT SHAGGY.
WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?
>> I THINK HE'S UPSET BECAUSE HE
COULDN'T GET A BACKGROUND GIG ON
BREAKING BAD.
>> I FEEL LIKE HE'S JUST RAN OUT
OF CONDITIONER AND LOST THE WILL
TO LIVE.
>> I THINK --
>> HE'S KIND OF CUTE.
CAN I GO OUT ON A LIMB AND SAY
HE'S KIND OF CUTE.
>> Jeselnik: YOU CANNOT.
>> THAT'S A THIN LIMB.
>> Jeselnik: SORRY, YOU GUYS
WERE BOTH WRONG.
THIS GUY WAS ACTUALLY BUSTED FOR
HAVING SEX WITH HIS NEIGHBOR'S
POOL FLOAT.
TWICE.
AFTER THE FIRST TIME DON'T YOU
SAY, YOU KEEP IT.
>> IS THAT THE POOL FLOAT HE
[BLEEP]?
>> THAT'S HUGE.
>> I HOPE HE WAS STICKING IT
INTO THE HOLE YOU BLOW INTO.
>> Jeselnik: MOVING ON, LET'S
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS
HEART-BREAKER RIGHT HERE.
TELL ME WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?
THE WOMAN INSIDE HIS WINNEBAGO
WON'T DIE?
>> I THINK HE'S BEEN TRYING FOR
A LONG TIME BUT HE STILL CAN'T
TELL IF HE'S A RED NECK.
>> Jeselnik: HE'S GOT A
FOXWORTHY VIBE FOR SURE AND
DOESN'T LOOK SMARTER THAN A
FIFTH GRADER.
ACTUALLY, THIS MAN WAS ACCUSED
OF MURDERING HIS GIRLFRIEND WITH
A HOMEMADE CANNON.
HE FORGOT THE FIRST RULE OF
CANNON SAFETY, DO NOT OWN A
CANNON.
>> HOW DID HE MURDER HIS
GIRLFRIEND WITH A CANNON.
YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TAKES TO
LOAD A CANNON.
>> YOU'RE BLAMING THIS ON HER?
SHE SHOULD HAVE HAD TIME TO
LEAVE.
>> LIKE STAY RIGHT THERE AND
THEN WEILDED IN A CANNON AND
THEN PUT THE THING IN AND SHE
WAS LIKE WHAT AM I WAITING FOR?
>> SURPRISE ME.
>> Jeselnik: MOVING ON.
THE NEXT GUY LOOKS LIKE HE'S GOT
ALL KINDS OF ISSUES.
HE'S GOT ALL KINDS OF ISSUES BUT
WHAT'S HIS PROBLEM?
HE CAN'T TURN IT OFF?
>> HE'S CLEARLY TURNING INTO A
PELICAN.
>> I LIKE THAT HE THAT'S GOATEE
TO ACCENTUATE IT.
>> Jeselnik: CLOSE.
THIS GUY WAS ACTUALLY ARRESTED
FOR ALLEGEDLY GRABBING A LITTLE
BOY AND SNIFFING HIM.
THE CHARGE WAS ATTEMPTED
KIDNAPPING BUT GOT TO KNOCKED
DOWN TO ATTEMPTED APPETIZER.