Oh, this is so exciting.This day is incredible.
I just raced over herefrom a photo shoot.
'Cause as a woman,you know, in show biz,
to get to the next level,
you have to posefor a men's magazine
in your pantiesand your men's shirt,
just so angry.
It's just a rite of passage,I guess.
If you're gonna climb the ladderyou also gotta jump a hoop.
But I'll do it.I'll do it.
And I made sure that myphoto shoot was very tasteful.
I had them blastTori Amos full volume.
So nobody could talk.
And then I mounteda camera on the ceiling,
and I hada kiddie pool filled
with discontinued candiesfrom the 1980s.
Just a few well-placed Bonkersover my business,
and some Gatorade Gumover my tetas.
You remember Gatorade Gum?audience: Yes.
- Yeah, well,you'll never forget it now.
[cheers and applause]
Oh, we all gotta do it,though.
Even Octomomis doing that shit.
It's so sad.
I am sick and tired of everybodycalling her "Octomom."
Yes, she hadeight babies at one time,
but she had six kidsbefore that.
So, can we please call herby her appropriate title,
I'm so sick of standing upfor women's rights.
Let's just keepthis giggle coaster going.
I've got so muchto do tonight.
Do I have a 95-minuteknock-knock joke?
You bet your ass I do.
It's gonna start offreal curious.
You're not gonnaknow who's there.
I'm gonna dotwo monologues.
One regular,and one vaginal.