Jim Gaffigan - Having Five Kids

Jim Gaffigan: Obsessed Season 1, Ep 1 04/27/2014 Views: 98,898

Jim Gaffigan understands better than anyone that he has a lot of children. (1:53)

- My three-year-old's now four.

I also have a nine-year-oldand an eight-year-old

and a two-year-oldand a one-year-old.

I have five kids.

I used to have more,but I ate them.

Five kids.

I love it, but I don't knowwhat happened.

Ten years ago,I couldn't get a date,

and now my apartment'sliterally crawling with babies.

It's like I left peanut butterout or something.

Strangers, for some reason,

think I'm unawarethat it's a lot of kids.

"Five kids.That's a lot of kids."

"Oh, you think so?Thanks for the heads-up.

Do you mind if I stab youin the head?"

The best is when I'm alonewith my five kids

and inevitably struggling,and some stranger

will come up to me and go,

"Looks like you gotyour hands full."

Why would you say that?

It's like going up to someonein a wheelchair,

"Looks like you don't doa lot of dancing."

"Looks like you gotyour hands full."

Yeah.I could still punch you.

But it is a lot of kids,you know.

We've jumped the shark.

Because when you havefour kids,

people are like, "Wow,"but when you have five,

people are like,"Just stop.

"What, are you creatingyour own nationality?

"Settle down.

"Is there gonna be a countrycalled 'Gaffganistan'?

Make a plan."

Some people thinkit's religious.

Like, "You have all those kidsfor religious reasons."

That's not how it works.

If anything, you havefour or five kids,

and then youbecome religious.

Because once you lose a kidat the mall,

you know, atheist or not,

you start talking to Godright away.

You're like, "Hey, God.

"I know I haven't talked to youin a while,

"probably since finalsin high school.

"Anyway, if you could help mefind my son,

"I promiseI'll change my life.

"I'll stop going to Wendy's.

"Oh, there he is.Never mind, God.

Well, we're off to Wendy's."

♪ Doo doo doo doodoo doo ♪

"Talk to youwhen I get cancer."

♪ Doo doo doo doo