Jeff Ross - Ugly Friends

Season 1, Ep 0108 08/03/1998 Views: 2,834

"Ugly Friends," starring Jeffrey Ross, Ugly Jay and Yiiiich! (4:00)

>> Ross: I'm a weird-looking


Somebody heckled me one night.

She said I looked like

Rick Moranis and Walter Matthau

had a baby.

It's not that funny.

If I ever have my own show,

I would have to be like

cast with, like, ugly guys

or something.

Ugly Friends.

>> announcer: It's Ugly Friends,

starring Jeffrey Ross,

with Jay London as Ugly Jay

and Howard Feller as Yiiiich!

>> Hey, Jeff.

>> Hey, Jeff.

>> Ross: How are my ugly friends

doing today?

>> Oh, great.

>> Ross: Ugly Jay,

did you get a job today or what?

>> Yeah, I'm working over at

Bed, Bath, and Beyond

in the Beyond section.

Thank you.

>> Hey, Jeff, that fox over

there is giving you the eye.

Boy, I sure wish there was

something I could do to be

better looking.

Any advice there, uh, Casanova?

>> Ross: Yeah,

saw off your head.

Be cool.

She's coming over.

>> T-t-t-talking to the ladies

makes me fart.


>> Hi, I'm Amy.

>> Ross: Hi, I'm Jeff.

These are my friends,

Ugly Jay and Yiiiich!

>> Oh, oh, my.

>> Lady, I got a key

stuck in my ear.


>> I gotta run.

I've had a couple drinks,

and looking at your friends...

giving me the spins.

But I wanted to give you


>> Oh, oh...

>> That's my number.

Use it.

>> I would trade places

with you, Jeff, in a minute.

Then I wouldn't have to look

like a goat's balls.

>> Ross: You wouldn't want to

be in my shoes, fellas.

>> Why? Did you step in barf?

>> Ross: No, I didn't step in

barf, Jay.

I'm just saying it's not easy

being this handsome.

I just want to be treated

like a normal person.

I'm sick of being treated

like a sex toy.

>> I had sex with a toy once.

Remember Stretch Armstrong?

>> Ross: I'm just saying there's

a lot of pressure maintaining

these good looks, not to mention

this body.

Do you realize what time I have

to get up to maintain this

physical condition?

>> Noon?

>> Ross: That's right, Yiiiich!



I'm sick of being

just a pretty face.

Not to mention these baby blue


Come on, guys.

Let's get out of here.

You know the drill.


>> announcer: Tune in next week

when Yiiiich! falls in love.

>> Ross: I love watching TV.

Late at night, you always see

some guy trying to sell

real estate with no money down.

Always have some fat guy

in a Hawaiian shirt, right?

Chicks with bikinis and yachts.

I love the success stories

at the very end.

That's my favorite part.

Just three months ago, everybody

in my neighborhood thought I was


Now I make $9 million

every Tuesday.

My teeth and gums grew back.

And my lovely wife, Nipples,

can finally afford that hair

transplant she wants.