Lavell Crawford - Two Chops to the Throat

Lavell Crawford: Can a Brother Get Some Love? Season 1, Ep 0101 08/12/2011 Views: 17,186

Lavell Crawford describes the briefing his mother would give him before they walked into the grocery store. (2:37)

>> WHITE MAMA, BLACK--

WHOEVER YOUR MAMA IS,

YOU GO TO THE GROCERY STORE,

SHE PULL UP

IN THE GROCERY STORE.

[imitates brakes squealing]

AND ALWAYS GOT

TO GIVE YOU THAT BRIEFING.

[laughter]

"NOW, I'M GONNA GO IN

THIS GROCERY STORE

TO PUT A LITTLE SOMETHING

ON THE LIGHT BILL,

'CAUSE THEY ABOUT

TO CUT OUR SHIT OFF.

BUT I AIN'T

THAT WORRIED ABOUT IT,

'CAUSE I PUT THE BILL

IN YOUR NAME."

[laughter]

"THEN I'M GONNA USE

THE REST OF THE MONEY

TO GET US SOMETHING TO EAT.

NOW, WHEN WE GET UP

IN THIS DAMN STORE,

I DON'T WANT YOU

TOUCHING SHIT.

I DON'T WANT YOU

ASKING FOR SHIT.

MATTER OF FACT,

I WANT YOUR EYES CLOSED,

'CAUSE I DON'T WANT YOUR ASS

LOOKING AT SHIT.

NOW GRAB ONE OF THEM

GROCERY BASKETS

AND PUT YOUR BABY SISTER

IN THE FRONT OF THE BASKET

AND PUT YOUR OTHER SISTER

IN THE BACK OF THE BASKET.

AND LET ME TELL YOU

ONE MORE THING.

IF YOU HIT

THE BACK OF MY HEEL..."

[laughter and applause]

"WITH THAT BASKET..."

[laughter]

"TWO CHOPS TO THE THROAT.

TWO CHOPS THE DAMN THROAT.

AND LET ME TELL YOU

ONE MORE THING,

LAVELL MAURICE CRAWFORD.

IF YOU GET UP IN THIS STORE

AND ACT ANY KIND OF FOOL,

AND I DO MEAN ANY KIND OF FOOL,

I'M GONNA KILL

ALL THREE OF Y'ALL."

[cheers and laughter]

"'CAUSE I'M 17."

[laughter]

"AND I CAN GO TO JAIL

AND GET OUT

AND STILL BE YOUNG ENOUGH

TO MAKE THREE MORE

JUST LIKE Y'ALL."

[applause]