Anthony Jeselnik - Fun Activity

Anthony Jeselnik: Caligula Season 1, Ep 1 01/13/2013 Views: 38,282

Every question in Cosmopolitan's relationship quiz is designed to f**k Anthony Jeselnik's world up. (2:29)

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looking formy ex-girlfriend's killer.

But no one will do it.

[ Laughter ]

My ex-girlfriendowned a parakeet.

Did you guys hearwhat I just said?

[ Laughter ]

She owned a parakeet.

Oh, my God.

That [bleep] thingnever shut up.

But the bird was cool.

[ Laughter and applause ]

My ex-girlfriend had a lot of,like, really annoying habits.

I think the worst was that sheloved to read women's magazines,

like Cosmo or, uh...

or things like Cosmo.

And she would flip straight tothe relationship quiz.

And not onlywould she present that to me

as if it was, like,a fun activity

for us to do together --

even though every questionis designed

to [bleep] my entire world up.

But even worse is she wouldget mad at my answers

and make me change themso we'd get the best score.

Like, I'll never forget the lasttime we played that game.

She was like, "Anthony,

if you could have lunchwith anyone in the world,

living or dead,who would it be?"

And I said, "I don't know.Caligula."

[ Laughter ]

And she goes, "Really? Caligula?That's your answer?

That's what you're gonna sayto me, your girlfriend?

Are you sure?"

I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

Let me change that.I'd have lunch with you.

And you'd be dead."

[ Laughter ]

Yeah,we're not together anymore.

She's got a new boyfriend now.

They just moved in together.

And I've heard rumorsthat he's abusive,

which makes me want to goover there with a baseball bat

and then blame iton her boyfriend.

[ Laughter ]