Matt Braunger - The Reason Why Men Are Creepy

Matt Braunger: Big, Dumb Animal Season 1, Ep 101 02/06/2015 Views: 7,227

Matt Braunger isn't sure if he should be proud or ashamed of his current situation as a 39-year-old single man renting an apartment. (1:59)

Ah, I am 39.

I'm unmarried.

I have no children.

No girlfriend.Still renting an apartment.

I think I'm [beep]killing it, guys.

I think I'm doing great.

I think I'm doing great.

I think I'm the example ofwhat a man should be at my age.

Let's not lie.

I don't know if I'mbeing sarcastic.

[laughter]

Like, at all.

At all.

You know what I mean?

Like, to some people,uh, just get it together.

Some people like a guywith like seven kids,

like, [beep] you're my hero.

I love you so much.

Like, never change.

You know?

Because I don't have a problemwith me and I'm not trying

to stay this way all the time,but it just--just happened.

The odd thing is that it wouldbe less sad if I were gay.

You know what I mean?

Like, oh, you're 39,you're unmarried.

Yeah.

Oh, are you gay?

No.

Oh, god!

Oh!

It's somehowgrosser that I'm not

gay, which is coolprogressively speaking.

You know?

If you think about itit's kind of amazing.

And the thing is, look, Idon't want to be single.

I don't.

Like, I just got outof a relationship.

It was horrible to break up withthat person and all that jazz.

You know, but I wasn'tdoing it because like, oh,

I want to be single.

I want to be out therechasing [beep] at 39.

Yeah!

No.

I don't.

You know, because I don'tlook-- I want a companion.

I want a partner in life.

But I also don'twant to be creepy.

I don't want to.

Because men are just creepy.

And single men arecreepy times a thousand.

You know?

You just are.

All men.

All men are creepy.

And I know every time Isay that, there's always

a guy in the audiencegiving me a face

like, hey, I'm a good guy.

I'm not-- I'm not-- look, we'reall creepy the way God made us.

Our physicality alone.

Like, think about it.

What is an erection buta meat arrow going, you!

Like, it's disgustingthe way God built us.

Come back.

Can I put this inside of you?

Let me put me in you.

What's the problem?

[laughter]

No matter how smoothyou break the ice.