Brendan Lynch - Glory Holes & Pallbearers

King Cake, Baby! Season 2, Ep 1 09/09/2014 Views: 6,031

Brendan Lynch details the history of glory holes and explains why he has already decided who will be the pallbearers at his funeral. (2:28)

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I JUST HAD MY FIRST EXPERIENCEWITH A GLORY HOLE.

DO YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT IS?[laughter]

- WHOO!

- WAIST-HIGH HOLE IN A MEN'SRESTROOM STALL THAT A MAN

ANONYMOUSLY STICKS HIS PENISINTO FOR SEXUAL FAVORS.

IT'S BASICALLY LIKE ICE FISHING,BUT FOR AIDS.

[laughter]

AND, UH, IT'S A GUY THING.

THERE'S NO FEMALE GLORY HOLE.WHAT WOULD THAT BE?

THAT'D BE, LIKE,A HOLE WITH A MAN'S EAR

ON THE OTHER SIDE OF IT--YOU COULD JUST TALK INTO IT

FOR 15 MINUTES.

DOESN'T EXIST.

[clapping]

I LOOKED UP GLORY HOLESON THE INTERNET.

THEY'VE BEEN AROUND SINCETHE '70s. THAT'S A LONG TIME.

SO STATISTICALLY,IT'S HAD TO HAVE HAPPENED ONCE

THAT TWO OF THE PENIS GUYSCAME INTO THE BATHROOM

AT THE SAME TIME,THINKING THE SAME THING,

AND THEN CAME INAND TOUCHED IN THE HOLE.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, "ELLIOT."

I WONDER WHAT THEY SAIDTO EACH OTHER.

PROBABLY LIKE, "JINX."

I MADE A BIG SWITCH IN MY LIFE.I RECENTLY SWITCHED

FROM REGULAR SUGARTO ARTIFICIAL SUGAR.

BUT THERE'S A LOTOF DIFFERENT TYPES

OF ARTIFICIAL SUGAR, RIGHT?

YOU HAVE SPLENDA,

SWEET'N LOW, EQUAL.

I WAS DOWN IN ALABAMADOING COMEDY.

DOWN THERE--THIS IS AWFUL.THIS IS HORRIBLE.

DOWN THERE, THEY HAVEARTIFICIAL BROWN SUGAR.

YEAH, IT'S CALLEDSEPARATE BUT EQUAL.

[laughter and applause]

I WAS, UH, JUST A PALLBEARER

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

I KNOW THAT'S A GREAT THINGTO BRING UP AT A PARTY,

BUT, UH...

IT'S REALLY SAD.

WHY IS IT ALWAYS GUYSTHAT HAVE TO BE PALLBEARERS?

LADIES, IT'S 2014.

PICK UP YOUR DEAD AUNT.

IF YOU'VE NEVERBEEN A PALLBEARER,

IT'S BASICALLY LIKEMOVING A REALLY SAD COUCH.

AFTER I WAS A PALLBEARER,I PICKED OUT ALL MY PALLBEARERS.

I PUT IT IN MY WILL.I'M GONNA HAVE ALL MY FRIENDS

WHO NEVER HELPED ME MOVE.

GONNA GET POLITICALFOR A SECOND.

HOPE THIS DOESN'T OFFEND ANYONE,BUT CENSORSHIP--

IN THIS COUNTRY,THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA--

CENSORSHIP IS OUT OF HAND.

MY OTHER JOB ISI'M A DJ.

I GOT FIRED AT A GIGFOR PLAYING THE SONG--

MARVIN GAYE'S "SEXUAL HEALING."

CLASSIC SONG, RIGHT?

SURE, IT WASA--A--A FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCE...

[laughter]

BUT I SAID, "THIS ONE'S

STRICTLY FOR THE STEPDADS."