John Heffron - The Tsk

Soto, Colonna, Heffron, Harris Season 4, Ep 0412 02/10/2001 Views: 8,184

Men can't say "tsk." (2:34)

HAD TO SEE HOW MUCH STUFF OF

HERS I MIGHT HAVE LAYING AROUND,

OR HOW MUCH STUFF OF MINE

I'LL NEVER SEE AGAIN EVER.

WOMEN USUALLY MAKE OUT A LITTLE

BIT BETTER AT THE END OF

THE RELATIONSHIP THAN GUYS DO.

AND THAT'S NOT A SEXIST

STATEMENT EITHER, LADIES,

SO DON'T EVEN GIMME THAT "TSS"

TICK.

I HATE THAT TICK.

(LAUGHTER)

"TSS."

YOU LEARN THAT AT THAT SCHOOL

YOU GO TO.

"TSS TSS."

KNOW WHAT THAT TICK IS, GUYS?

THAT TICK IS THAT 45 MINUTE

"YOU'RE AN ASS" SPEECH

ALL ROLLED UP IN ONE.

KNOW WHY I HATE THE TICK?

BECAUSE AS A GUY YOU CAN NEVER

USE THE TICK.

THAT TICK'LL NEVER GET YOU OUT

OF ANY SITUATION.

YOU CAN'T BE AT A BAR AND LIKE

BUMP INTO SOME GUY AND KNOCK

THE BEER OUT OF HIS HAND AND

HAVE THAT GUY GO "TSS."

(LAUGHTER)

"YOU JUST TICKED ME."

ALL RIGHT, I TOTALLY DON'T HAVE

A SEGUEWAY FOR THIS JOKE,

THAT'S WHY I WISH I WAS IN A

BAND, AND I COULD JUST TELL YOU

A LITTLE BIT HOW I WROTE IT,

AND THEN DO IT.

SO, I'M GONNA DO IT ANYWAY.

SO I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU A LITTLE

BIT HOW I WROTE MY NEXT JOKE.

I WAS AT A GAS STATION ONCE,

AND, UH, WELL, HOPE YOU ENJOY.

1-2, 1-2-3-4.

SO I'M AT A GAS STATION, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW WHO'S DESIGNING

GAS PUMPS, BUT THEY NEED TO

STOP.

GAS PUMPS ARE TOO--

THERE'S TOO MUCH COMPUTERIZED

CRAP GOING ON.

I HATE THE FACT THAT WHEN I GET

OUT OF MY CAR, I LOOK AT THE

PUMP, I HIT ALL THE WRONG

BUTTONS IN THE WRONG SEQUENCE,

AND IT SAYS, "SEE CASHIER

'CAUSE YOU'RE A JERK!"

AND I GOTTA WALK IN THERE AND

THE GUY'S GOTTA RE-AUTHORIZE IT,

AND I WALK BACK.

'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO HIT ALL

THE BUTTONS AT THE RIGHT TIME

OR YOU DON'T GET YOUR GAS.

YOU GOTTA, LIKE, HIT THE PUSH

BUTTON, PUT UP YOUR CARD, SLIDE

YOUR CARD IN--PICK IT UP, QUICK!

YOU GOTTA FIND THE G-SPOT

ON THE PUMP, I DON'T HAVE TIME!

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

SOMEONE'S LIKE, "HEY JOE,

WANNA GO OUT TONIGHT?"

"NO, CAN'T.

GOT A BIG TEXACO EXAM I GOTTA

STUDY FOR."

(LAUGHTER)

AND THOSE QUESTIONS HAVE NOTHING

TO DO WITH GAS!

THEY'RE JUST SELLING YOU STUFF!

IT'S LIKE, "WOULD YOU LIKE TO

PAY CREDIT?"

"NO."

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO PAY CASH?"

"WELL, SAID 'NO' TO CREDIT,

SO UNLESS YOU'RE TAKING--

YES, CASH!"

"WOULD YOU LIKE A CAR WASH?"

"NO."

"THE MALE LLAMA HAS FIVE

STOMACHS."

"FALSE."

"WOULD YOU LIKE AN INSTANT

TICKET?"

"NO."

"THERE ARE 12 STAGES IN MAZOL'S

HIERARCHY OF NEEDS."

(LAUGHTER)

"MAN, THAT WASN'T ON THE

SYLLABUS.

AND IF I GET THIS WRONG I DON'T

GET MY GAS!"

THAT'S WHEN YOU HAVE TO START

LOOKING AT THE PERSON'S PUMP

NEXT TO YOURS.

"DUDE, MOVE YOUR HAND!

WHAT'D YOU GET FOR THE LAST

ONE?"

"PUMP SIX, PLEASE KEEP YOUR EYES

ON YOUR OWN PUMP."

(LAUGHTER)