Christopher Titus - The End of the World

Christopher Titus: The 5th Annual End of the World Tour Season 1, Ep 101 03/17/2007 Views: 16,321

Christopher Titus had a baby right before 9/11, and the world since then is terrifying. (2:03)

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MY WIFE GAVE BIRTH TO OUR FIRST CHILD.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - [THANK YOU]

THEN SEPTEMBER 11th, 2001, I REALIZED HOW BAD

- MY TIMING SUCKS. - [LAUGHTER]

IN THE FIVE YEARS MY KID HAS BEEN ALIVE ALL HELL HAS

BROKEN LOOSE ON THE PLANET EARTH.

AND I'M NOT BLAMING MY DAUGHTER FOR ALL OF IT.

I'M HOPING IT'S A COINCIDENCE.

TERRORISM, WAR,DISEASES WE CAN'T CURE.HURRICANES, TSUNAMIS,

- SPINACH [BLEEP] FRANCE. - [LAUGHTER]

IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD. IT'S AN ARMAGEDDON CHECKLIST.

POPE JOHN PAUL DIDN'T DIE.

- HE PRE-BOARDED. - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND IF YOU HAVE KIDS, YOU'RE SCARED. I HAVE KIDS.

EVERY NIGHT THE NEWS IS TELLING ME LITTLE KIDS ARE GETTING STOLEN OFF

THE STREETS LIKE CAR STEREOS OUTOF CONVERTIBLES. AND I GOT TWO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.I BOUGHT A ROTTWEILER,STAPLED BOTH TO IT 'TILL

THEY'RE 18. THERE YOU GO.

SHUT UP.DADDY SAYS RIDE THE DOG.

WE GOT NEW DISEASES EVERY WEEK.

DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER DISEASES BEFORE 9-11?

SINCE 9-11 SARS, MONKEY POX,

WHICH BOTH MY KIDS THINK ARE A SUGARY BREAKFAST CEREAL.

MAD COW DISEASE. I GOT TO BE AFRAID OF [BLEEP] COWS NOW?

AND CANADIAN COWS,I FEEL LIKE SUCH A PUSS.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

YEAH, WHEN DID IT BECOMELIONS AND TIGERS AND COWS OH MY?

[LAUGHTER]

THEN WE GOT THE BIRD FLU,THE HANTAVIRUS,

THE MOSQUITO VIRUS. DID THE ANIMAL KINGDOM HAVE A MEETING?

ALL RIGHT, WHO'S TIRED OF BEINGFOOD AND CLOTHING, ANYBODY ELSE?

- COWS GET ON IT. - [LAUGHTER]

- "MOO!" - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

AND THINGS ARE SO SCREWED UP.

WE'RE ACCEPTING STUFF THAT WE SHOULDN'T ACCEPT. DID YOU GUYS HEAR THIS?

THE ANTIDEPRESSANT PAXIL CAUSES SUICIDE IN A LOT OF PEOPLE.

- [LAUGHTER]- LET ME SAY THAT [BLEEP] AGAIN.

THE ANTIDEPRESSANT PAXIL CAUSES SUICIDE.

SO, IF YOU'RE DEPRESSEDAND YOU TAKE A PAXIL,

YOU'RE GONNA FEEL A LOT BETTER AND THEN BLOW YOUR BRAINS OUT.

BUT THE SUICIDE NOTE WILL BE INSPIRING.