When I finished college,I drove my parents' car
back from collegeto their house,
so I thought that meantthat that car was mine, um...
They didn't think that.I don't know
what their problem was.
So, I finally had to buy a car,uh, and it was hard,
to decide what kind of carI wanted to buy.
'Cause I wanted to buy a car
that was really goodfor the environment.
But I also wantedto buy an SUV...
so I could see the environment
before it's destroyed by SUVs.
It was tough, like,
'cause they-they, make, like--all the things I read--
like, they make hybrid SUVs.
But everyone...everything I read, was, like,
"Well, it's not likethe most awesome SUV."
"And it's not, like,the best hybrid."
It's like, "Here's a donut.It's healthy.
Just eat the middle air part."
(laughter)
Zero caloriesin that air right there.
Smells just like a donut.
(laughter)
I ended up test-drivinga bunch of cars.
I test-drove an SUV,
and I felt like a manfor the first time ever.
So, I immediately just startedconvincing myself
it was goodfor the environment anyways.
It's like,"V8, that's a healthy juice."
(laughter)
That's why the sky's orange.It's beta carotene.
You should look at it.It's good for your eyes.
Rabbits don't wear glasses.
One of my friends is, like,"Michael, you got an SUV?
What about the glaciers?What about the rainforest?"
I'm, like,"I got four-wheel drive.
We can go where ever you want."
(laughter)
"No, Michael, what aboutour carbon footprint."
"Whoa, how do we even knowthat's our footprint."
Maybe we shouldn't take creditfor that footprint.
Maybe that's whereJesus carried us.
It's a much happier endingto that poem.
"Jesus, where were you?"
"Yeah, that's when I picked youup in my Escalade,
and we wentand got McFlurries."
(laughter and applause)
"Through the drive-thru,I carried you."
I liked my car a lot. It hada GPS that updated for traffic.
Which is great. Sometimesit wasn't great, though.
Like one time,I was leaving Chicago,
and it updated for traffic,
and it took me downa part of Homan Avenue
where three people that morningwere shot and murdered.
Yeah... of coursethere's less traffic.
(laughter)
There are three less peoplealive in that area
to get into traffic.