Kathleen Madigan - Catholic Reception

Rick Overton & Kathleen Madigan Season 1, Ep 0104 02/24/1992 Views: 6,549

Catholic midnight masses can get pretty rowdy. (2:28)

I WAS THE MAID OF DEBTIN THAT LITTLE EVENT.

THE RECEPTION WAS FUN, THOUGH.

BIG CATHOLIC WEDDING RECEPTION.

A LOT OF DRINKING GOING ON.

I DON'T WANT TO SAY CATHOLICPEOPLE DRINK TOO MUCH

BUT I WENT TO A MIDNIGHT MASSTHIS PAST CHRISTMAS EVE

AND, BOY, THERE WASA ROWDY CROWD.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,THEY WERE HECKLING THE PRIEST.

IT'S LIKE, "KEEPYOUR DAY JOB, PADRE."

MY GOD.

SOMEBODY IN THE CHOIRSTARTED THE WAVE.

( laughter )

EVERY TIME THE PRIEST WOULDSTART A STORY THEY WERE LIKE

"HEARD IT!"

( cheering and laughter )

AND I DON'T THINKTHE PRIEST WAS DRINKING

BECAUSE HE GOT UP AND HE GOES

"HI, MY NAME IS JOHN AND I'MAN ALCO... OH, WRONG MEETING."

( laughter )

I'LL PROBABLY GO TO HELL

FOR SAYING THOSE THINGS.

BUT I DON'T CARE, BECAUSEI THINK IN TEN YEARS

HELL'S GOING TO BETHE ONLY PLACE LEFT

WHERE YOUCAN STILLSMOKE.

AND YOU CAN'T SMOKEANYWHERE YOU GO ANYMORE.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL QUIT.

I WAS OUT LAST SUNDAY.

I DIDN'T SEE ANY SIGNS.

NOBODY ASKED,SO I LIT A CIGARETTE

AND THIS WOMAN JUST LOST ALLCONTROL OF HER BODILY FUNCTIONS.

( coughing )

"PUT IT OUT,PLEASE, PUT IT OUT."

I TURNED AROUND.

SHE WAS THREE PEWS AWAY.

( laughter )

I SAID, "DIDN'T YOU SEE THEASHTRAYS WHEN WE CAME IN HERE?

"OH, THERE WAS WATER IN THEM

BUT THEY WERE HANGING RIGHTTHERE ON THE END OF THE PEW."

PEOPLE AREPROTESTING EVERYTHING.

I WAS AT THE DOG RACING TRACK.

THERE WERETHESE ANIMAL RIGHTS ACTIVISTS.

THEY WERE VERY UPSETABOUT THE WHOLE SITUATION:

"HEY, DID YOU KNOWSOME OF THESE DOGS ARE STARVED

SO THAT THEY'RE GUARANTEEDTO WIN THESE RACES?"

I GO, "THAT'S TERRIBLE.

DO YOU KNOW WHICH ONES?"

( laughter and scattered applause )

"I'M JUST HERE TO PICK A WINNER.

I DON'T REALLY CAREWHO GOT BREAKFAST."

( laughter )

I MEAN, I LIKE ANIMALS.

THAT'S WHY I WATCHTHE DISCOVERY CHANNEL.

IT'S JUST ANIMALS MATING24 HOURS A DAY, ISN'T IT?

IT'S LIKE ANIMAL PORNO.

EVEN MY DOG IS LIKE, "HEY, TURNON THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL..."

( laughter )

AND YOU KNOW IT'S TIMETO GET A HOBBY

WHEN YOU FIND YOURSELFIN A RECLINER

WATCHING LIZARDS HAVE SEX.

AND THE PROBLEM IS I CARE.

I'M LIKE, "DO YOU THINKHE LOVES HER?"