It doesn't matter. I'm out.
I just got engagedthree years ago and...
Yeah, no... no clappingon that probably.
She proposed to me.
How weird is that?
She wasn't thoughtful.It wasn't romantic.
She just came in and said it.
She was, like, "Listen, uh...I, uh... I'm pregnant."
Golden gun right here.
It's crazy.My first thought was,
"I'm not mature enough at allto be a father."
Like, that day, I had actually
taken a picture of my ball sack
and text-messaged itto my friend.
Because that's hilarious to me.
But, at the same time,not so fatherly... right?
Had to send him another text.
I was, like, "Guess what.Those work."
I went from total anxietyabout having a kid to, uh...
to just being the happiest guyin the world.
Like, I'm the most obnoxiousfather you could ever...
Like, I'm that guy who will...who will force pictures
of his kid on completestrangers; I don't care.
It's, like, "Look. Look.Huh? Pretty cute."
I have this pictureof my daughter on my phone,
in the bathtub,when she was, like, a year old.
And I showed it to this girl--I'm in line at the store.
I was, like, "Huh? Pretty cute."
The girl just looks at me,and she's, like,
"Oh! Is that your daughter?"
"No. No. I, uh... I takenaked baby photos, actually.
"I got to go.
"My windowless white vanis double-parked outside
"full of candy and teddy bears.
I don't want them to melt."
She just turned two,and I'm very happy about that
because now I don't haveto age her in months,
because the puzzled lookon a young guy's face
when you say that, right?
The guy's, like,you don't know...
You don't want tothink about... right?
You don't know what that means,if I say 18 months.
You're probably wearing a condomright now, right, buddy?
You're like, "Yes.I don't want to think."
I say 18 months,you try to say something polite,
but you have no ideawhat you're talking about.
I'm, like,"Yeah. She's 18 months."
Like, "Oh, that's great.Is she eating?"
"No. No, not yet, hopefully.
"She's still in her mother'spouch-- she's a marsupial--
so, hopefully,soon she'll get teeth."
I love messing with people, man.