[audience laughs]

- GOOD EVENING,I'M CHUCK TAYLOR.

IT'S BEEN A VERY BUSY DAYIN THE NEWS.

A LOT OF THINGS HAVE HAPPENED.

A STATEN ISLAND MAN IS LISTEDIN STABLE CONDITION TONIGHT

AFTER A BRUTAL ASSAULTBY RAPPER METHOD MAN

FOLLOWING AN ARGUMENT.

THE VICTIM ADDRESSED THE PRESSEARLIER TODAY.

- IT WAS TORTURE.STRAIGHT TORTURE, SON.

FIRST HE PUT MY NUTSON THE DRESSER.

IT WAS CRAZY--JUST MY NUTS.

AND THEN HE BANGED THEM SHITSWITH A SPIKED BAT, LIKE "BOW!"

[audience groans]

AND THEN, HE SEWEDMY ASSHOLE SHUT.

KEPT FEEDING MEAND FEEDING ME AND FEEDING ME!

THIS ALL TOOK PLACE INTHE SLUMS OF SHAOLIN.

THERE WAS THE RZA, THE GZA,OL' DIRTY BASTARD,

RAEKWON THE CHEF, U-GOD,INSPECTAH DECK,

AND OF COURSE, THE METHOD MAN.

- THE VICTIM ALSO SAID THAT

AT ONE POINTDURING THE ALTERCATION,

METHOD MAN PUT A HANGERON THE STOVE

AND LEFT ITFOR, LIKE, 40 MINUTES

AND THEN HE STUCK ITIN HIS ASS REAL SLOW.

LIKE, "SSS..."

AT THIS POINT, METHOD MANIS STILL AT LARGE,

SO STAY TUNED TO NEWS CHANNEL 3FOR THIS AND OTHER STORIES.

I'M CHUCK TAYLOR.