Dane Cook - Drinking

  • Season 3, Ep 4
  • 06/27/2000
  • Views: 54,014

Dane Cook has figured out how to tell if you're really drunk. (3:16)

DRINK.

YEAH.HAVING SOME DRINKIES?

PEOPLE AT HOME,YOU HAVING SOME DRINKS?

OR ARE YOU BOOTINGBLACK TAR HEROINE?

LOSE THE HABIT.

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW YOU--

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOW.

HERE'S HOW YOU KNOWTHAT YOU'RE REALLY DRUNK.

I FIGURED IT OUT.

WHEN YOU GETINTO A TAXI CAB,

AND YOU THINK THE FAREIS THE TIME.

[laughter]

"DUDE, IT'S 15 PAST 14 ALREADY.

"[bleep].IT'S 75 PAST, MAN.

THAT CLOCK GIVES RECEIPTS TOO."

[laughter]

I WAS IN A CAR ACCIDENT.

I'M FINE.I'M OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?

YOU GET INTO A CAR ACCIDENT,RIGHT?

GET INTO A CAR ACCIDENT,YOU KNOW.

IT DOESN'T MATTER

IF IT'S YOUR FAULT OR NOT.

THE OTHER PERSONALWAYS GETS OUT OF THEIR CAR

AND LOOKS AT YOULIKE IT IS YOUR FAULT.

YOU KNOW, THEY ALWAYSGET OUT OF THEIR CAR LIKE THIS.

[laughter]

"WHY--WHY--WHY DID YOU STOPAT A RED LIGHT

"AND LET ME HIT YOU DOING 80?

"WHY?

"OH, WHY DID YOU STOPAT A LEGAL RED LIGHT

AND LET ME HIT YOU DOING 80?"

SO I GOT IN THE ACCIDENT,AND I WENT TO THE DMV,

OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT,SATAN'S ASS[bleep].

[laughter]

[laughs]

YOO-HOO!

THIS IS LIKE ROCK AND ROLLWITH NO MUSIC.

DMV.DMV.

YOU GO IN THERE,

AND YOU'RE LIKE,"I'M GONNA GO EARLY.

I'M GONNA GET THERE AT 6:01."

YOU GET THERE;

THERE'S PEOPLE SLEEPINGIN SLEEPING BAGS OUTSIDE.

400 PEOPLE WAITING.

NOBODY'S TALKING EITHER.

YOU WALK INSIDE;

EVERYBODY'S STANDING THERELIKE THIS.

[laughter]

EVERYBODY'S DEAD QUIET,

BUT YOU KNOW EVERYBODY'STHINKING THE SAME THING:

"AAAHHH!

GO! GO!"

[laughter]

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SHOULD DO--THEY SHOULD DO?

WHEN YOU WALK IN THE FRONT DOOR,

THEY SHOULD HAVESOMEBODY HIDING,

JUST PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.

'CAUSE AT LEAST AFTER IT--

YOU COULD BE LIKE,"AAAHHH!

"ALL RIGHT, WELL, WAITINGIN LINE'S NOT SO BAD

AFTER THE PUNCH IN THE FACE."

PUNCH ME IN THE FACE.

IN THE YEAR 3000,EVERYTHING WILL BE INSTANT.

EVERYTHING.

JUST GET INTO A TELEPORTER.

"BYE."

"WHAT DO I WANT FOR DINNER?"

BUT THE DMV WILL STILL TAKENINE [bleep] SECONDS.

"NINE SECONDS, COME ON.

I GOTTA BE TO WORKIN THREE SECONDS."

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