Wayne Federman - Not So Sporty

  • Season 7 , Ep 25
  • 08/14/2003
  • Views: 1,572

Baseball has always been a good metaphor for the stages of dating. (2:02)

I WENT TO THE DOCTOR LAST WEEK

AND I HAVE ATHLETE'S FOOT.

AND-- NO, GREAT NEWS FOR ME

BECAUSE IN HIGH SCHOOL,

I WAS CUT FROM THE JV BASKETBALL

TEAM FOR NOT BEING ATHLETIC

ENOUGH.

[LAUGHTER]

AND NOW APPARENTLY, YEARS LATER,

WE FIND OUT THAT I HAVE A

DISEASE THAT ONLY AFFLICTS

ATHLETES.

VINDICATION.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

RIGHT?

WE WOULD NEVER SAY WHAT HAPPENED

ON A DATE IN REGULAR TERMS.

WE'D USE A BASEBALL METAPHOR TO

EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED ON A DATE.

"DID YOU GET ON FIRST BASE?

GET ON SECOND BASE?"

AND SOME GUYS WERE SO PRECISE.

I HAD NO IDEA.

IT SEEMED LIKE THE MORE

KNOWLEDGE YOU HAD OF BASEBALL,

THE MORE ELABORATE YOUR

DESCRIPTION WAS.

LIKE, "HOW'D YOU DO?"

"WAYNE, REALLY GOOD.

I HAD A RUNNER ON FIRST,

TWO OUTS.

I HIT A DOUBLE RIGHT TO THE

WALL.

SO I SENT THE RUNNER,

GOT TAGGED OUT AT THE PLATE."

[LAUGHTER]

WHAT THE HE--

COULD THAT POSSIBLY--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

SO I MADE IT VERY SIMPLE.

IF I GOT TO KISS A GIRL--

ANY GIRL-- FROM THE NECK UP,

JUST KISS, THAT FOR ME, HOMERUN.

[LAUGHTER]

IF A GIRL LETS ME TOUCH HER,

AND BY TOUCHING I DON'T MEAN

TOUCHING HER HAND OR RUBBING

HER BACK.

I'M TALKING ABOUT TOUCHING

SOMETHING THAT I DON'T HAVE

ON MY OWN BODY.

IF A GIRL LET'S ME TOUCH HER,

THEN I'VE WON THE PENNANT.

AND THEN IF I GO ALL THE WAY,

THAT OF COURSE WOULD BE THE

WORLD SERIES.

AND AS YOU KNOW,

THE WORLD SERIES ONLY

COMES AROUND ONCE A YEAR.

SO GET AN IDEA OF WHERE

I WAS AT.

OF COURSE, THERE WAS ALWAYS

SPRING TRAINING.

THAT'S WHEN YOU SPEND A COUPLE

WEEKS AND PRACTICE WITH

YOUR OWN TEAM.

THAT'S LIKE--

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT WAS WORTH THE WAIT.

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