Happy Cole - The Truth About Kids

Cole, Kennedy, Beckwith, Wells Season 4, Ep 0405 01/08/2001 Views: 4,913

Parents who say their children are good are lying. (2:30)

HEY, LET ME ASK YOU THIS.

ANYBODY HERE HAVE--

ANYBODY GOT LITTLE KIDS?

ANYBODY GOT LITTLE KIDS?

ANYBODY REPRODUCE, ANYTHING LIKE

THAT?

YEAH?

ARE THEY GOOD KIDS?

YOU LIE.

NO 6-YEAR-OLD IS GOOD.

THEY'RE ALL GILA MONSTERS,

ALL OF 'EM.

YOU EVER SEE THEM IN THE STORES?

SEE, PARENTS DON'T TELL THE

TRUTH.

YOU GOT TO TELL THE TRUTH ABOUT

YOUR KIDS.

YOU EVER SEE THOSE MOMS?

"OH, MY DAUGHTER.

OH, SHE IS THE JOY OF MY LIFE.

OH, SHE BRINGS ME--

OH, I'M SO HAPPY TO BE WITH HER

EVERY DAY."

AND THEN YOU SEE THE SAME MOM

AND KID IN THE STORE.

THE KID'S LIKE A DAMN

GILA MONSTER, JUST RUNNING

AROUND...

(LAUGHTER)

JUST WALKING LIKE...

(MONSTER NOISES)

"IS THAT YOUR BABY?"

"THAT'S HER.

ISN'T SHE SWEET?"

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT

NOW.

THERE ARE TWO KIND OF MOMS

IN AMERICA-- TWO.

THERE'S A GOOD MOM AND A VIOLENT

MOM.

YOU EVER SEE A MOM GET SO BAD

THAT WHEN YOU TALK TO THEM THEIR

TEETH DON'T MOVE.

JUST THE LIPS GO UP AND DOWN?

YOU EVER SEE THAT MOM?

"PUT IT DOWN, PUT IT DOWN,

PUT IT DOWN."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

YOU EVER SEE THIS?

IT'S SAD TO SEE.

YOU EVER BEEN IN A STORE BEFORE

AND SEE A MOM THAT'S GOT LIKE

5 OR 6 KIDS?

AND SHE CAN'T CONTROL ANY OF

THE KIDS.

KIDS JUST RUNNING AROUND,

KNOCKING STUFF OFF THE SHELF,

JUST YELLING AT PEOPLE FOR

NO REASON.

YOU FEEL BAD FOR THE WOMAN.

SO WALK UP AND DO LIKE I DO.

I'LL JUST SAY, "EXCUSE ME,

MA'AM.

I NOTICE YOU WERE HAVING SOME

TROUBLE WITH YOUR CHILDREN,

AND IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE TO

SLAP THE HELL OUT OF THAT ONE

RIGHT THERE.

YEAH."

(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)

"OH, I CAN GET TO HIM.

OH, YEAH.

I'LL RUN HIM DOWN TO GET HIM.

OH, YEAH.

THAT'S NOT A PROBLEM."

AND, SEE, YOU KNOW MOMS LOVE YA

UNTIL YOU PISS 'EM OFF.

AND THE WRONG TIME TO PISS MOM

OFF IS WHEN SHE DRIVES A CAR.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.

'CAUSE WHEN THEY DRIVE,

THEY DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT

HUMAN LIFE.

YOU KNOW.

WE KNOW THAT.

WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE, 6,

7 YEARS OLD.

YOU'RE IN THE BACK.

SHE'S IN THE FRONT.

YOU'RE THINKING, "WELL, HEY.

I'M BACK HERE.

SHE'S UP THERE.

SHE CAN'T DO NOTHING TO ME BACK

HERE."

YOU'RE IN THE BACK JUST MESSING

WITH MOM.

♪ MA, MA, MA, MA, MA, MA

♪ MA, MA, MA, MA, MA, MA"

OUT OF NOWHERE--

(LAUGHTER)

"MA?

MA-MA?

HOW-- HOW'D YOU DO THAT?

MAMA?"

SO THEN WH