Marc Maron - Getting Engaged

  • Season 1 , Ep 2
  • 12/07/1998
  • Views: 5,101

Marc Maron considered leaving his wife at the altar. (2:55)

AW, LOOK AT THAT.

( applause )

PEOPLE ARE APPLAUDING.

I WAS WITH MY WIFEFOR EIGHT YEARS

BEFORE I ASKED HER TO MARRY ME.

I LIVED WITH HER FOR FIVE.

NOW, WHEN YOU'VE BEENWITH SOMEBODY EIGHT YEARS

BEFORE YOU ASK THEMTO MARRY YOU

IT TAKES A LITTLE MOMENTUMOUT OF THE ENGAGEMENT.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

HERE'S HOW I THINK I PROPOSED:

I JUST GOT DOWN ON ONE KNEEAND I SAID

"SO, YOU WANT TO BREAK UP OR...?

AND I REALLY THOUGHT--THIS IS STUPID--

I REALLY THOUGHTA COUPLE OF THINGS.

THERE ARE TWO THINGS THAT HAPPENWHEN YOU GET ENGAGED:

YOU GET ALL EXCITED,YOU GIVE HER THE RING

AND IT'S REAL EMOTIONAL.

YOU GIVE IT TO HERAND SHE CRIES

AND A SECOND LATER, YOU'RE LIKE,"DAMN! I COULD HAVE HAD A CAR!"

BUT YOU GOT TO LET THAT GO.

BUT I REALLY THOUGHTWHEN I GOT ENGAGED

WHEN I PUT THAT RINGON HER FINGER

IT WOULD BUY ME A LITTLE TIME.

THIS IS NOT TRUE.

SOON AS THE RING GOES ON,IT'S LIKE A SWITCH.

ROOMS ARE BEING RENTED,BAKERS ARE CALLED

THERE ARE MUSICIANS INVOLVEDAND IT'S OUT OF YOUR HANDS, MAN.

YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE ON A DOCKWAVING GOOD-BYE TO A BOAT.

"SEE YA! YEAH, I'LL GET THE TUX.

I'LL SEE YOU AT THE PLACE."

AND IF YOU THINKYOU'RE GOING TO HAVE

THE WEDDING YOU WANT TO HAVE

AND YOUR FAMILY'S INVOLVED,FORGET IT.

WE THOUGHT WE WERE GOINGTO GET MARRIED ON A MOUNTAIN

AT SUNSET IN ARIZONA.

HER MOTHER PUT THE KIBOSHON THAT PLAN WITH ONE SENTENCE:

"ESTHER CAN'T MAKE ITUP THE HILL."

THERE'S ALWAYS AN ESTHERAND SHE'S NOT GOING UP THE HILL.

( laughter )

AND I... AND HERE'SWHAT I STARTED THINKING...

WHEN YOU GET ENGAGED, YOU STARTFREAKING OUT A LITTLE BIT.

YOU REALLY DO.

AND I STARTED FESTERING.

AND I STARTED THINKING,"GOD, THE NUMBER OF PEOPLE

"THAT WILL THINK YOU'RE A JERKIF YOU BREAK OFF AN ENGAGEMENT

GROWS EXPONENTIALLYAS EACH DAY GOES BY.

LET'S SAY TWO WEEKS INTO IT

YOU'RE LIKE, "I DON'T EVENLIKE HER. WHAT AM I DOING?"

AND YOU BREAK IT OFF.

SHE'LL THINK YOU'RE A JERK--

HER FAMILY, HER FRIENDS--

BUT YOU CUT YOUR LOSSES THERE.

THEN I STARTED THINKING

"WHAT IF I WALKED OUTON THE ALTAR?"

I WOULDN'T DO IT,BUT JUST TO THINK ABOUT IT

MAKES YOU GO, "OH, MAN!"

WHICH ISN'T A BAD FEELINGFOR A SECOND, YOU KNOW?

BUT IT CAN HAPPEN, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE ALREADY WASTEDWHEN YOU'RE UP THERE.

THAT'S WHY YOU HAVE A BEST MANJUST TO HOLD YOU UP.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU CAN SMELL TEQUILA

IN THE SWEAT ON YOUR UPPER LIP.

THE BREASTS OF THE STRIPPERFROM THE NIGHT BEFORE

ARE BOUNCING IN YOUR HEADLIKE SUGARPLUMS.

IT WOULD BE SO EASYFOR THE GUY TO GO

"DO YOU TAKE THIS WOMAN...?"

YOU JUST GO, "YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DON'T." ( laughs )

WHAT AN AMAZING MOMENTTHAT WOULD BE.

'CAUSE AT THAT MOMENT

EVERYONE YOU KNOWWOULD THINK YOU'RE A JERK

AND YOU WOULD BE TRULY FREE.

( laughter )

BUT WHAT WOULD YOU DO THEN?

WHAT? ARE YOU GOINGTO BECOME A COWBOY?

WHAT? ARE YOU GOING TO RIDETHE HIGH PLAINS?

SHOW UP IN A BAR IN MEXICOIN FEW WEEKS GOING

"YEAH, I GOT A STORY.

"CAN I GET A BATH, A ROOM

AND A WOMAN FOR THIS RING?"

CLINK.

( laughter )

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