Kirk Fox - We Can't All Be Heroes

  • Season 2 , Ep 5
  • 04/21/2011
  • Views: 13,063

Kirk Fox used to think he could be a hero, but as he's grown older, he's realized there's less and less people he wants to save. (4:49)

THAT BRANDON WALSH WAS DOINGWITH THE FAKE MUSTACHE,

I'VE DONEWITH THE REAL ONE.

(laughter)

AND IT FEELS BETTERWHEN IT'S REAL.

I DIDN'T KNOWTHERE'D BE A BALCONY.

A LOT OF MY JOKES,THEY GO LOW.

(laughter)

IT'S GOOD TO BE HERE,NEW YORK CITY.

THIS IS NICE.

(cheers and applause)

NOW, I DON'T KNOW IF--

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S BEENMENTIONED YET,

I HAVEN'T HEARD IT,BUT LET'S JUST TALK ABOUT IT.

THERE'S AN EXIT THERE.

EXIT THERE.

EXIT, EXIT, EXIT,EXIT, EXIT.

THERE'S A MAPIF THINGS GET TRICKY.

(laughter)

I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW

WE CAN'T ALL BE HEROES,ALL RIGHT?

AND DON'T LOOK AT METO DO ANYTHING HEROIC.

I KNOW I KINDA LOOK LIKEI SHOULD BE ABLE TO,

BUT MY BACK IS OUT RIGHT NOW

AND I HAVE ASTIGMATISMSO DON'T LOOK TO--

I'M NOT GONNA DO (bleep)IF IT GETS CRAZY.

NOW, I USED TO THINKTHAT I COULD BE A HERO.

I USED TO WANT TO,BUT AS I'VE GOTTEN OLDER,

I'VE REALIZED THERE'SLESS AND LESS PEOPLE

THAT I WANT TO SAVE.

AND I DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS,AND IF I DID HAVE KIDS,

I DON'T KNOWIF I WOULD REALLY SAVE THEM

IN THAT KIND OF A SITUATION.

FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD,

THEY'RE A LITTLE TRICKYAND OVERRATED.

(laughter)

LIKE IF THERE WAS A FIREAND I HAD THREE KIDS IN THERE,

I DON'T KNOWWHICH ONE I WOULD SAVE.

WHAT IF--YOU CAN'T SAVE THEM ALL.

SOMEONE'S FEELINGSARE DEFINITELY GONNA BE HURT.

WHAT IF YOU SAVED THE KIDTHAT STARTED THE FIRE?

NOW YOU'RE LIVINGWITH AN ARSONIST.

THAT'S NOTHING--THAT'S NOTHINGI WANT TO BE INVOLVED IN.

(laughter)

I USED TO ALWAYS WANT TO BETHE FIRST PERSON

AT THE SCENE OF AN ACCIDENT.

LIKE, IF THERE WAS A CAR CRASH,I WANT TO GET THERE.

BUT NOW, IF I THINK I'M GONNABE THE FIRST ONE THERE,

I'LL STOP FOR COFFEE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE THERE.

AND IF I DO GET THERE,AND SOMEONE'S LIKE, "HELP!"

I'LL BE LIKE, "IT LOOKS LIKETHE TRAFFIC'S STARTING

TO PICK UP PAST YOU,THE FLOW'S GOING."

LOOK HOW TALL I AM.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO INA LITTLE CAR THAT'S CRUMPLED UP?

I CAN'T DO--IF I CLIMB IN THERE,I'M GONNA GET STUCK.

NOW THERE'S TWO PEOPLE STUCKIN THE CAR.

I NEED THE JAWS OF LIFE TO GETOUT OF BED IN THE MORNING.

WHAT AM I GONNA DOIF I'M STUCK IN THERE?

I'M ALWAYS LIKE, "CUT THE SHEET.JUST CUT THE SHEET.

(laughter)

"I WANT MY TOES UP.

"IF THEY'RE LIKE THAT,I CAN'T SLEEP.

GOTTA UP TO BREATHE."

(laughter)

I'VE ALSO REALIZEDTHAT EVERYTHING

THAT CAN SAVE OUR LIVESIS BEHIND GLASS.

WHAT GOOD IS THAT?

IT'S LIKE, "BREAK THE GLASS!GET THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER."

NOW YOU'RE FIGHTING A FIREWITH BLOODY KNUCKLES.

THAT DOESN'T SEEMVERY PRODUCTIVE,

AND THEN YOU'RE SUPPOSEDTO STAY LOW DURING A FIRE.

NOW YOU'RECRAWLING THROUGH GLASS.

I DON'T WANNA DO THAT.

YOU GET SHARDS IN YOUR KNEES,NOT WORTH IT.

I WAS THINKING MAYBE IF A FIREEXTINGUISHER WAS IN A PIñATA

THEN I'D BE MORE INCLINEDTO FIGHT A FIRE.

IT'S LIKE,"GET THAT PIñATA! FIRE!"

THEN YOU'D JUST CRAWLTHROUGH CANDY.

IF IT MELTS, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.MELTED CHOCOLATE.

KNOW WHAT ELSEIS BEHIND GLASS?

DEFIBRILLATORS.

IT'S LIKE, "BREAK THE GLASS!GET THE DEFIBRILLATOR.

"GET YOUR HEART PUMPINGSO YOU CAN PUMP THE BLOOD

OUT OF YOUR KNUCKLE."

(laughter)

DEFIBRILLATORS ARE THE THINGSWHERE THE PARAMEDICS

JUST HOOK IT TO YOUR HEARTAND SHOCK IT.

AND YOUR HEART'S JUST LIKE,"OH, (bleep) SORRY.

"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WASTHINKING,

"BUT, PLEASE, DON'T PUT THEJUMPER CABLES ON THERE AGAIN.

NOTHING--THAT'S GOTTABE WORSE THAN DEATH."

(laughter)

AND THE PICTUREOF THE DEFIBRILLATOR

IS JUST A HEART WITHA LIGHTNING BOLT THROUGH IT.

THAT'S NOT GOOD.

A LIGHTNING BOLT HITTINGANYTHING IS NEVER A GOOD THING.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE GET HITWITH A LIGHTNING BOLT

AND JUST GO, "OH, (bleep) IT.THAT'S BETTER.

I'M UP.LET'S DO THAT (bleep) AGAIN."

AND YOU HAVE SECONDS TO LIVE.

AND WHOEVER INVENTED THIS THINGGAVE IT FIVE SYLLABLES.

(laughter)

DOESN'T THAT KINDA DEFEATTHE PURPOSE OF A RUSH JOB?

IF I INVENTED THIS THING,YOU KNOW WHAT I NAME IT?

"THAT."

"WHAT DO YOU NEED?""THAT SUCKER! SHOCK IT!"

"YOU MEAN, THE DEFIB--"

"PLEASE,DON'T SAY THE WHOLE THING.

I'LL BE DEADBEFORE YOU GET TO ER-R-R."

(laughter)

AND WHY DID THEY HAVETO CALL IT DEFIBRILLATOR?

SHOULDN'T THEY AT LEAST CALL ITDEFIBRIL-NOW?

DOESN'T THAT MAKE MORE SENSE?"YOU NEED THE DEFIBRILLATOR?"

"NO, NOW. DEFIBRIL-NOW.DEFIBRIL-RIGHT NOW."

I'LL ADD WORDS IF IT INCREASESTHE SENSE OF URGENCY.

(laughter)

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