Randall Park - Middle School Nightmare - Uncensored

Nostalgia 04/05/2016 Views: 4,917

Randall Park attended a talent show at the middle school where he was bullied, and it turned out even worse (and messier) than he ever imagined. (12:01)

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- So I kind of position myself

to do it discreetly,you know.

And this hot squirt...

[laughter]

Shoots out of my butt,

and I'm like...

"Oh, no."

[laughter]

[dark electronic music]

[wind howling and whistling]

[cheers and applause]

- Hello, everybody.

Welcome to"This Is Not Happening."

I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,and today

all the storiesare about nostalgia.

[cheers and applause]

A very, very funny man.

Give it up for Mr. Randall Park, everybody.

[cheers and applause]

- Are you guys readyfor a shit story?

[laughter]- Yeah!

- All right.

So I havea very sensitive stomach.

I'd say about half my shitsare diarrheas.

And it's not just, like,when I eat something bad.

It's also when I, like,experience anxiety

or, like, trauma.

And I'd say the most traumaticperiod of my life

was in middle school.

I went to this schoolcalled Palms Middle School.

And I was this chubby, shy,

awkward little Asian kid.

And I--the school--

everyone else in the schoolwas a bully.

You know, I got--I got bullied.

I got beat up occasionally.

Every time I'd go to my locker,

stuff would be missing.

I mean, when I think backto my years

at Palms Middle School,

I just picture a bunch of kidsjust pointing at me

and laughing at me.

It was a nightmare, right?

But eventually I graduated,and I ended up going

to a high school,and I just felt a lot better.

I grew up.I felt more confident.

I made friends.

And one day in high school,one of my friends came up to me

and was like, "Hey, do you wantto catch a talent show

"that my little sister's in?

It's at Palms."

And I-I could feel my body,like, tensing up.

But then I felt better,and I was like,

"Oh, you know what?

"Yeah, you know,I'm grown now.

"That--that's past me.

"I'm confident now.You know what?

"Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.

I'll see you there."

So that Saturday comes.

I'm riding my biketo my old middle school.

I lock up my bike,and the moment I set foot

on the campus, I could feelmy stomach start to turn.

[light laughter]

But I pay it no mind.

I go into the auditorium,right.

The auditorium is packed.

There's just parents,kids running around, faculty.

It's just packed.I see my friends

sitting in the front row,

and they saved me a seat.

I join them,and the talent show begins.

And as soon as I sit down,

I feel like I needto use the restroom.

My stomach is, like,about to explode, all right?

But I just got there,so I decide to fight it through.

About a half hour into the show,

I am literally, like,in the fetal position.

I'm, like, shaking,

and sweat is pouringdown my face.

I'm not even lookingat the stage.

And my stomach is killing me.

I really haveto use the restroom,

and I think, "You know what?"

"I'm gonna--I got to relievethis pressure.

"I'm gonna tryto release some gas.

I'm just gonna try to finessesome gas discreetly out of me."

So I kind of position myself

to do it discreetly,you know.

And this hot squirt...

[laughter]

Shoots out of my butt,

and I'm like...

"Oh, no."

[laughter]

And I feel this cold circle

forming in the backof my pants.

[laughter]

And I go up to my friends,and I'm like,

"Look, guys, I'll be back."

And I, like, quickstepout of the auditorium,

and I burstout of the auditorium

into the lobby,and I'm frantically looking

for the boys' restroom.

And I see the boys' restroom,

and I kick open the door,and I'm in the restroom.

Now, the restroom at Palms

is similar to the restroom

at a bunch of underfundedmiddle schools

all across the country.

There are two stalls.

One of them has the doorcompletely ripped off.

[laughter]

The other one,I go in there.

The toilet is filledwith paper towels

and someone else's shit.

[laughter]

And I try to flush it.It just won't go down.

So, you know, I have--I have a problem here.

Which--it's a philosophicalquestion, really.

Which one do you choose?

Do you choose the onewithout the door

or the one with--that's filled with shit?

And at this point, I'm, like--I'm about to explode.

So I-I have no choice.

I close the door,I pull down my pants.

Now, you know you haveto take a shit

when you're willing to shiton top of someone else's shit.

[laughter]

So I, like, go into the stall,

and I'm, like, hoveringover the--the toilet,

and I just let it loose.

And it's like--it's not like a sh--

it's like a dam burst,right?

It just--for, I mean,a good 20 seconds,

it's like...

[imitates whooshing]

Just shooting out of me.

It's like an exorcism,right?

And I--it's weird, becauseit's like this spiritual--

it was this spiritual situationgoing on.

My eyes were closed,

and I felt like these demons

were, like, shootingout of my body.

Like all of those experiencesfrom middle school,

the kids beating me up,

and the kids, you know,

stealing my stufffrom my locker,

and--and all the kids

pointing at meand laughing at me,

it was just shooting out of me.

It was the most cathartic shit

I had ever taken in my life.

[laughter]

[laughs] Right?

And it keeps going,and then it just stops.

And I open my eyes,

and I feel so good.

I feel like a new man.

I feel, like, completely reborn,right?

And then I look downat my shoes.

[laughter and groans]

And I see this brown pool

start forming around my feet.

And then I look downinto my pants.

It is filled to the brim

with shit.

[laughter]

I look back at the toilet,

covered in shit...

[chuckles]

My shitand the next dude's shit,

the dude before me.

The wall,splatters everywhere.

I'm like, "Oh, my God.Oh, no."

And I see this renegade,like, stream

start moving outfrom under the stall.

And just on instinct,I start squeegeeing it back in

with the side of my shoe,

and I'm like, "Oh, no.

Oh, no, what do I do?"

I start pulling outthe toilet paper,

and I start, like--like a sinking rowboat,

I start, like, just, like,scooping it out of my pants.

And I'm like, "Oh, no.I need more.

I-I need paper towels.I need paper towels."

So I pull up my pants,and they're heavy and cold.

[laughter and groans]

And I, like,Charlie Chaplin it

over to the paper towels,

and I start yanking outpaper towels,

yanking 'em out.

And then I hearthe audience applause.

And I'm like,

"Oh, no,

"It's intermission.

"It's the time in the showwhen people go

to use the bathroom."

And I look outinto the bathroom.

There's, like, shit footprintsall over the floor,

streaks of shitgoing underneath into the stall.

I look at the sink.

Just shit droppings everywhere.

The paper towel dispenserjust dripping with feces.

It's--it's a crime scene.

[laughter]

And I hear the audiencewalking into the lobby,

and I'm like, "Oh"--at this point, I'm an animal.

I'm just, like, actingpurely on instinct.

And I run into the stall,and I just close it,

and I just stand there...

[laughter]

Just waiting for this onslaughtof people...

[laughs]

To be met with the surpriseof their life.

[laughter]

My feet clearly visibleunder the stall,

but I'm like, "Okay, just--just relax.

"Relax. Calm down.

Calm down."

And I hear the door open,

and I literally heara grown man gasp.

[gasps] "Ahh!"

And then I hear the door close,

and I'm like,"Oh, fuck, fuck."

[murmurs indistinctly]

[laughter]

[mouthing words]

[laughter]

And I hear the door open again,

a teenage boyliterally screaming,

"Ah!"

And the door closes,and I'm like, "Oh, God.

Oh, God."

[laughter]

The door opens again.

I hear a father and sonwalk in a few steps,

and I hear the son say,"Daddy, what happened in here?"

And the father, I hear him go,"Let's go, come on.

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!"

And then the door closes.

[laughter]

This happens over and over

and over and over again,

and I just want to die.

[laughter]

At one point,I hear the door open,

and I hear a bunch of boys

busting out laughing.

And I hear the voiceof another boy say,

"I told you.

"I told you.You thought I was lying.

I told you!"

At this point, I had becomea part of the talent show.

[laughter]

My talent?

Shitting everywhere.

[laughter]

The one bright spotwas when the door opened,

and I hear these feetwalk in gently

and this kind man's voice say,

"Is everything okay in there?"

[laughter]

And my plan was to not exist,to not say anything,

to just...[laughs]

Just be quiet,but it just came out of me,

and I said, "I'm okay."

[laughter]

And then the door closed.

[laughter]

Now, eventually,it got to the point

where the door stopped opening

and I didn't hear the audiencein the lobby,

and I was like, "Oh, okay.

"They must be back in the show.

"You know, the second halfmust have begun.

Now's my time to getthe hell out of here."

So I open the stall,

open the bathroom door.

I run out through the lobby,out of the auditorium,

and I see my bike,

and I beeline to my bikewith my head down.

I'm not looking up.

I'm just going straightto my bike.

And from the corner of my eye,

I see a group of kids

pointing at me

and laughing at me.

And they're like, "That's him.That's him.

"That's the shit guy.

That's him."

And I realize I cannot run

from the traumaof my middle school years.

It is always gonna be with me.

And I get to my bike.

I unlock the bike,I jump on it,

and I pedal homeas fast as I could,

and I never went backto that middle school again.

[laughter]- Yeah.

- That's it.Thanks.

[cheers and applause]