Marc Maron - Renting Porn

  • Season 1 , Ep 2
  • 12/07/1998
  • Views: 2,946

"Citizen Kane" is a great way to balance "Dirty Debutantes." (2:35)

I RENT IT.

'CAUSE IF YOU BUY IT,IT STARTS STACKING UP

AND YOU WATCH TOO MUCH

AND WHEN YOU DO GET OUTOF THE HOUSE, PEOPLE KNOW.

'CAUSE YOU'RE SORT OF LIKE...

( lewd laugh )

ANYWHERE YOU GO.

YOU COULD BE, LIKE,AT A GROCERY STORE--

"OH, YEAH, DO IT! DO IT!"

AND SHE'S GOING,"SIR, YOU DON'T HAVE TEN ITEMS.

IT'S THE OTHER LANE YOU WANT."

( lewd laugh )

( laughter )

AND THE REASON... ANOTHER REASONI RENT IS BECAUSE WHEN YOU RENT

IT KEEPSYOUR CONSCIENCE IN CHECK.

BECAUSE WHEN YOU RENT PORN

YOU HAVE TO TAKE THE LONG WALKOF SHAME TO THE VIDEO STORE

AND THEN I GOT TO GO THERE

AND IT'S THIS LITTLE OLD GUYWHO OWNS MY VIDEO STORE.

I GOT TO WALK DOWN THE AISLE

AND HE'S SITTING THEREGOING, "OH, NO, NO, NO, NO."

AND I GO INTO THE ADULT SECTION.

I GOT TO CRAWL UPTO THE COUNTER GOING

( with raspy voice ):"I WANT THIS ONE."

BUT THAT IS NOT HALFAS HUMILIATING

AS THE WALK BACK TWO HOURS LATERWHEN YOU'RE LIKE

( with raspy voice ):"I'M DONE."

( laughter )

BUT I'M AFRAIDOF THE GUY JUDGING ME

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT HIM

TO THINKI'M SOME SORT OF FREAKY PERVERT.

SO NOW WHEN I RENT PORN

I LIKE TO GET DIRTY DEBUTANTESAND CITIZEN KANE JUST SO...

HE KNOWSI'M A MASTURBATING LOSER

BUT I'M A SOPHISTICATEDMASTURBATING LOSER

WHO UNDERSTANDS DEEP FOCUSAND THEATRICAL LIGHTING.

UM... HOW MANY...?

MOST OF YOU HAVE VIDEO CAMERAS.

HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE ACTUALLYTAPED THEMSELVES HAVING SEX?

COME ON!

JUST LIKE TWO OF YOU?

WHY DOESN'T EVERYONEDO THIS?

I MEAN, PEOPLE HAVEVIDEO CAMERAS--

THEY'LL TAPE VACATIONS,BIRTHDAY PARTIES.

THEY'LL GO OUTINTO THE STREET

AND LOOK FOR OTHER PEOPLEKICKING EACH OTHER'S ASS

AND TAPE THAT.

BUT THE THOUGHT OF SETTING IT UPIN THE BEDROOM

NEVER OCCURRED TO YOU?

IT'S A GREAT THINGFOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.

WELL, YOU DO LOOK BIGGERON TV, THAT IS TRUE

BUT IT COULD BE A LEARNING TOOL.

YOU COULD GET UPTHE NEXT MORNING AND GO OVER IT

LIKE "OKAY, HONEY,SEE WHEN YOU DID THAT--

"WHEN YOU TURNED AROUND

"THAT WAS GOOD.

REWIND THAT. MORE OF THAT."

( laughter and applause )

BUT I ACTUALLY THINK

THAT NOT ONLY SHOULD YOUTAPE YOURSELF HAVING SEX

BUT THERE SHOULD BE PARTOF YOUR LOCAL VIDEO STORE

JUST FOR HOME PORNO.

JUST FROM PEOPLEIN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

( laughter )

WHAT A COMMUNITY BONDERTHAT WOULD BE.

CAN YOU IMAGINEYOU'RE AT THE SUPERMARKET--

"HEY, BOB, WE RENTEDYOUR MOVIE LAST NIGHT, MAN.

"THAT WAS TERRIFIC.

"REALLY CREATIVE, YOU KNOW.

"I LOST YOUWHEN YOU BROUGHT THE DOG IN.

BUT BEFORE THAT,I THOUGHT IT WAS GOOD."

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