Sal Vulcano - Possible Terrorism - Uncensored

Scumbag 10/13/2016 Views: 5,597

When Sal Vulcano got someone else's package in the mail, he decided to play a little game with the intended recipient and ended up getting in way over his head. (14:03)

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- But instead I said,

"Do you thinkI'm playing games?"

Yeah, the terrorist in meain't gonna stand for that shit.

This is my first timeterrorizing anyone,

I'm going balls to the wall.

[intense musical buildup]

- Aah!

- Aah!

- [kissing sounds][tires screeching[

Let me smell your vagina!

[brakes screech]

[dark electronic music]

- You guys might know him.He's probably the best thing

to ever come outof Staten Island, you guys.

[cheers and applause]


From the show"Impractical Jokers" on TruTV,

my friend and yours,Mr. Sal Vulcano!

[cheers and applause]

- I want to tell you guysabout a time

I took a weed edible.

It's a story of the first...

and the last timethat I saw Stacy Wu.

Okay?- Whoo!

So I g--[laughter]

- Quiet down, step children.

No, I'm kidding.

I got a packagedelivered to my house.

It was addressed to Stacy Wu.I don't know Stacy Wu.

Never heard of her.Never met her.

But the addresswas my address.

So I figure,okay, it's a mistake.

I'll toss it to the side.I'll deal with it later.

Weekend comes,I take a weed edible.

Later that night I'm chilling,I'm like, all right,

let me open up this package,

see if there's a contact info.for this Stacy,

see if I can let her knowthat I have her stuff.

So I open up the package.Sure enough...

her address is in there--her email address.

And it is a pair of pants,

women's, six 6,sateen dress pants,

black, from Ann Taylor Loft.

So I'm like, I'm gonnaget Stacy her pants back.

So I open up my email and I typeher email address in.

I write right in the subject,

"I have your pants."


And I'm about to tell her,you know, "Just drop me a line.

I'll get 'em to you,"you know?

But then I thought,

"Ohh, wouldn't it be great

if I wrote hera ransom note for them?"

It's the weed edible.That's what happens.

I'm like, "Of courseit would be great."

So that's what people do.[laughs]

They write ransom notes.

So I get out my"Entertainment Weeklies"

and just start chopping away.

Five hours.

For five hours, I cut lettersout of years' worth of

"Entertainment Weekly"magazines.

It was a work of art.

And I taped the pagesand I scanned it into the email.

And I'm about to hit sendand I'm like,

"Ah! This is not howransom notes work.

"I have to send hera picture of the pants,

prove I got them shits."

And then I thought,"Oh...

"wouldn't it be great...

if I was in them?"

'Course it would.That's why I'm here. Tonight.

So I get myselfin these pants.

It took minutes.

That's a long timeto get into pants.

But I got this body

into those size 6 sateens.

And I take some picturesof myself and I realize

I'm bare-chested,and I'm like,

"Ah, that's kinda weird."

I don't want her to getthe wrong idea

about this ransom note.

I want this ransom noteto be on the up and up.

So I put on a shirt, a tie,a jacket, shoes.

I really classedthis ransom note up.

I really did.

I'm about to takea picture of myself

in them and I said,"Oh...

"this is not how this works.

She can't see my face."

So I said,"Wouldn't it be great

if I was in a ski mask?"


I know.

It's awesome.[laughs]

So I put on a ski mask.

I take a bunch of picturesof myself.

I upload this allinto the email,

I hit send,and I am so proud of myself

because this is what life is.

Okay? A lot of you don't knowhow to live.

People don't knowhow to live.

I figured it out.

This is it.So I just go to bed.

I dream great dreams.

And I wake up on the morning--

It's like Christmas morningto me.

I run straight to my laptopand I open it up

to see if Stacy Wuhas received

my correspondence

and if she wrote back.And she did.

And I'm going to read you nowwhat she wrote back to me.

"This is really creepy.

"A man sending pictureswearing women's pants

"and a ski mask?

"I'm filing a complaintwith UPS.

"I'll have the authoritiestrack you down

"to where the pantswere delivered

"and charge you with robbery

and possible terrorism."


I know![laughs]

I did not--I neverin my wildest dreams

I'd think this was"possible terrorism."

I thought this wasgonna be a hoot.

Like, a little light hoot,not a possible terror.

- That's terrible.

- She goes on."They look for people like you,

you son of a bitch."


"I don't know who you are.I don't know what you want.

"This truly isn't funny,

"and if you're looking forpeanut butter,

I don't have any!"

I'll get to thatin a second.

I'm in over my head.I'm in over my head.

It's obvious.I should have said,

"This is a joke!Take your pants!"

But instead, I said...

"Do you thinkI'm playing games?"

Yeah! The terrorist in meain't gonna stand for that shit!

This is my first timeterrorizing anyone.

I'm going balls to the wall,okay?

I do everything I doto the best of my ability.

If I'm possiblyterrorizing you,

look the fuck out.

And I just sent hera bunch more photos, okay?

So then I step awayfrom the laptop.

It was the first thing I didthat day and did nothing else,

so I went to my phonefor the first time

and opened it up,and I had a text

from the night beforeat 10:32 pm.

This is before I dabbledwith any of this other stuff.

And the textis from my landlord Stanley

who lives right below me.

And this is what his text said.He said, "Hey, buddy,

"was there a packagedelivered last Monday

"and left on your porch?

It's for my girlfriend Stacy."

[audience groans]

I felt the same way.

Felt the same, exact way.

I'm like, ha ha ha ha...

there's no wayhe's finding out about this.

I don't carewhat I have to do.

I'm getting rid of the pants.

I'll take the fucking pantsdown to a ravine

and fuckin' shoot 'em.

However you get rid of stuff.

I'm gonna do it.And then I realized...

oh, man, I sent her the notefrom my email address.

It's got my first, last,and two middle names

in the type.

So I have to confess.I have to come clean to Stan.

So I call him on the phone.I'm like, "Stan, it's Sal.

"As a matter of fact,I do have the pants,

"and if you wanna meet meon the side of the house,

I'll give 'em to you.Uh, also..."


"I gotta tell you something.Gotta tell you something."

So he meets meon the side of the house.

He's like, "Oh, Sal,thanks so much."

I'm like, "Stan, no problem.I even emailed her

and let her know I had 'em."He's like, "You're the best.

I'm like, "Hold on.

Just hold on.Just let me finish."

I said, "Stan, somewherein there I felt it apropos...

to also write hera ransom note for them."

He's like,"What are you talking about?

I'm like, "It's exactlywhat you think."

And I knew...[laughs]

I knew he was gonna ask me,"Well, what did it say?"

And so I brought the ransom noteto the side of the house

to read to him right therein the driveway.

And I also brought it tonight.

[cheers and applause]


- This is it.This is living.

It says, "Hello.I have your pants."

You guys?I'll do it every five pages.

"Hello. I have your pants.

Check the picture for proof."- Oh, wow!

- We agree that the ransom noteshould have ended there.

Allow me to read youthe next 18 pages.

"In order toget them back safely,

"I am going to needone 15-ounce jar

"of Skippy all-naturalHoney Peanut Butter...


This is the weed edible talking.I'm allergic to peanut butter.

"I know what you're thinking.'Peanut butter'?

"Yeah. Peanut butter.

So what?This is about m right now."



"This really isn't the timefor you to be judging me

"about the peanut butter.

I have your pants."

"To be honest,I felt silly

asking for the peanut butter,

"but I gathered myself,and here we are.


"Peanut butter is delicious,and I'm out of it."

I'm nowexplaining myself to her

for no good reason.

"I could have asked fora lot worse than peanut butter."

I don't even knowwhat the implication was there.

I don't needto question myself.

"So let's just move on.

Put the peanut butterin an unmarked duffle..."


Clearly, all of myknowledge of ransom notes

has come from the movies.

I don't even knowwhat an unmarked duffle is.

I--What is a--What is a marked duffle?

What is a marked--I don't know, but don't send

that shit to mein a fucking marked duffle.

"Deliver to my homeno later than noon

"on Friday.

"Every day...

"that I do not receive

"the peanut butter...

"I will wear your pants...


"With a different cute top."

She's giving me no choice.

"Your move.

PP forever."


That's nice of you.That's how I felt.

I was elated.

I said to him,"I also, uh--

"I also sent her a phototo prove I had 'em."

And he was like...

"Let me see it."

And I showed him on my phone,

but for you guys,I went to Kinkos.

You're gonna wannalook at that.

[crowd whooing]

I call that terrorist casual.

Yeah, I got your pants,but really, it's no biggie.

Just what I do.

It was my first terrorizing.

I kept it light.

He said,"What did she say?"

I said, "She said...

she was gonna callthe authorities...

and charge me with robbery

and terrorism.

He said, "Holy shit!

What did you say?"

And I said...

I said, "Oh, I just said, 'Doyou think I'm playing games?'

"and then I justfired off a bunch more

photos to her."

Look, this one cuts deep.This one's like...

I'm straight relaxin'while I'm terrorizing you.

I'm literally wearingthe pants in the situation.

Moment of silenceand then he grac--

Oh, by the way,Kinkos, no questions.


Ten employees,not a fucking word.

But he graciously said,"Look, I will tell her.

I'll tell her and tryand hash it out for you."

And then, uh,a year and a half later,

I'm walking out of my homedown my driveway

and a female's walking up it,and we meet in the middle.

And she says to me,

[inhales, exhales]

"Are you the guy..."


"That had my pants?"

This was a moment of truthfor me,

so I dug very deep,I looked her in the eye

and I said,

"I never got the peanut butter."

That's the storyof the first and last time

I ever saw Stacy Wu.Thank you, guys.


[cheers and applause]

[dark electronic music]