Maria Bamford - Half Empty

  • Season 11 , Ep 10
  • 02/15/2007
  • Views: 43,694

WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, I WAS A BIT OF A DARK KID.

I WAS READING THAT A LOT OF KIDS IN THE UNITED STATES

ARE SUFFERING FROM DEPRESSION YOUNGER AND YOUNGER.

CHILDREN ARE SEEING THE SIPPY CUP AS HALF EMPTY.

- AND AH-- - [LAUGHTER]

I WAS A BIT OF A DARK KID.

I WOULD OCCASIONALLY STAGE MY OWN DEATH FOR FUN.

"MOTHER, I'VE TAKEN A WHOLE BOTTLE OF PILLS."

"OH, MY GOD, WHAT DID YOU TAKE?" "TUMS."

"THOSE ARE YOUR FATHER'S.""WHAT, MOTHER? I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

THE CALCIUM IS COURSING THROUGH MY VEINS."

[LAUGHTER]

I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT OF MYSELFAS DEPRESSED AS MUCH AS

- PARALYZED BY HOPE. AND, YEAH--- [LAUGHTER, CHEERS & APPLAUSE]

MY MOM SAYS RELIGION MAKES HER HAPPY.

I-- I DON'T KNOW IF I BELIEVE IN GOD.

'CAUSE I DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF SOME

TOUCHED BY AN ANG ANGELSITTIN' UP THERE

MAKING DECISIONS LIKE,

[IRISH ACCENT] "I'M GOING TO PUT YOU IN A PARALYZING DIVING ACCIDENT

"SO YOU CAN INSPIREPEOPLE WITH WATERCOLORS

- YOU PAINT WITH YOUR FEET." - [LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

I AH-- I WAS SEEING ATHERA-PIST-- THE RAPIST.I CAN'T SAY IT PROPERLY

[HIGH VOICE] 'CAUSE I DON'T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY.

AND I HAD A LOT OF ANXIETY.

AND MY THERAPIST, SHE TOLD ME TO--

"WHY DON'T WE SING THOSE ANXIETIES ALOUD?

"LET'S TAKE THE POWER AWAY FROM THOSE LITTLE ANXIETIES.

LET'S CALL THOSE ANXIETIES 'GREMLINS.'"

"WHY DON'T I JUST CALL 'EM 'ANXIETIES'?"

"WOULD YOU FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE WITH 'GOBLINS'?"

- "YES." - [LAUGHTER]

THIS IS MY ANXIETY SONG.

♪ IF I KEEP THE KITCHEN FLOOR CLEAN NO ONE WILL DIE ♪

♪ AS LONG AS I CLENCH MY FISTS AT ODD INTERVALS ♪

♪ THEN THE DARKNESS IS--THEN HE WON'T FORCE ME ♪

♪ TO DO ANYTHING INAPPROPRIATELY VIOLENT ♪

♪ OR SEXUAL AT DINNER PARTIES ♪

♪ WHOOF!-- AS LONG AS I KEEP HUMMING A TUNE I WON'T TURN GAY ♪

♪ [HUMMING]

♪ THEY CAN'T GET YA IF YOU'RE SINGIN' A SONG ♪

♪ YEAH

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