One of my favorite things aboutcoming back home to Chicago,
I get to hangwith my niece and my nephew.
They're six and eight,or they were six and eight
when this joke was written.
Six and eight.I gave 'em both a couple bucks.
Their father's a finance guy,
so he's teaching 'emabout money early on.
He said,"There's four different things
you can do with that money.Names it."
"Buy something.""What else?" "Save it."
"What else?" "Donate it.""What's the last one?"
And part of me wanted to say,
"You can also gamble that shit."
Listen, the Bearsare minus 3 1/2 points
against the Titans.They gonna crush the Titans.
That's a soft line.
You need to get it beforeit moves up to four.
Their running back is washed up.
They got holesin the offensive line.
I'd take it upto 6 1/2, honestly,
if you can get it, 6 1/2.
When I gamble on sports,it makes me wish horrible things
on the other team's players.
I had money on game seven,Heat versus Spurs.
It was tightin the fourth quarter.
I started thinking,you know what?
You know what, if Tim Duncandropped dead right now,
I feel like the Heatcould rally around that,
and maybe they'd be energizedby Tim Duncan's sudden death,
and the Spurswouldn't play so well,
'cause they sadabout it, you know?
There'd be lotsof grief-related turnovers.
Just hella five-secondviolations 'cause Ginóbili's
holding the ball, just lookingoff into the distance sadly.
Heat ball.Hell, yeah!
We gonna cover.
I'd bethe worst courtside reporter.
So, Dwight Howard,how do you feel
like your 12 missed free throws
affected people that betthe over?
Sports frames my thinkingin a weird way.
I went to this poetry eventin Charlotte.
This woman got onstage.
She said, "This pieceis dedicated to my sister.
"She's beenin an abusive relationship
for 17 years."
I said, "Holy shit.
"So she's been gettingher ass whupped
for Kobe Bryant'sentire career."
The whole time, from him goingon prom with Brandy,
getting drafted by the Hornets,traded to the Lakers
for Vlade Divac,coming off the bench
behind Nick Van Exeland Eddie Jones,
winning the dunk contestin his rookie year,
she was getting her ass whuppedwhile all that was going on?
Even when they wona couple championships
and they brought inKarl Malone and Gary Payton.
That didn't work out.They got swept by the Pistons.
She was getting her ass whuppedwhile that was going on?
Even during the rape chargein Colorado, the 81-point game
against Toronto, she was gettingher ass whupped then?
You telling methat Sasha Vujacic
came and left when she was stillgetting her ass whupped?
That's not a jokeabout domestic violence,
although I seehow you could see it that way.
That's a joke about howI process the passing of time.