Garfunkel and Oates - I-Don't-Understand Job

Garfunkel and Oates Season 1, Ep 10 06/08/2012 Views: 13,148

Garfunkel and Oates attempt to unlock the secrets of ejaculation and finally learn how to give hand jobs. (3:30)

D.J. hit us up!

(mid-tempo hip-hop plays)

We made this beatourselves.

That's why it's so good.Oh, yeah.

(audience cheering)

♪ Hand job, bland job,I-don't-understand job ♪

♪ I got a problemand I can't contain it ♪

♪ I'll use my icky-stickyrhymes to help me explain it ♪

♪ Handy Js are like Stonehengeto me ♪

♪ Robert Stack can't evenunsolve this mystery ♪

♪ I'm a messed-up childof a baby boomer ♪

♪ I was in the gifted class,but a total late bloomer ♪

♪ Now I got a secretto get off my chest ♪

♪ Went from kissing to sex,but never learned the rest ♪

♪ In high schoolI was in the marching band ♪

♪ Not learning what to dowith my hand ♪

♪ While other girlswere dripping likea Jackson Pollock ♪

♪ I blossomed laterthan Mayim Bialik ♪

♪ I'm investigating boneslike Deschanel ♪

♪ Trying to make it stand uplike Dave Chappelle ♪

♪ When I stare down the barrelof a semi-hard dick ♪

♪ I feel more singled outthan Chris Hardwick ♪

♪ I studied Bach, Jacques Chiracand Isaac Asimov ♪

♪ But I wasn't on the ski busjerking people off ♪

♪ Wouldn't let you touchmy chest ♪

♪ Like you're VapoRubbingVicks in ♪

♪ Let alone Deep Throatyour Tricky Dick Nixon ♪

♪ I want to learn how to makeyour Watergates flow ♪

♪ I'm resigned like Spiro Agnew,that I might never know ♪

♪ How to H.J.your L.B. Johnson ♪

♪ Know less about dicksthan Samantha Ronson ♪


♪ I should have explored newfrontiers like Wil Wheaton ♪

♪ But I was more conservativethan Alex P. Keaton ♪

♪ I'm falling into crisisjust like the Dow ♪

♪ I want give a hand job,but I don't know how ♪

(drum fill plays)

♪ Hand job, bland job,I-don't-understand job ♪

♪ Do I spit, do I squeeze,do I ever touch the top? ♪

♪ How can I learnwhen you always make me stop? ♪


♪ Now I'm on a full-blowninvestigation ♪

♪ To unlock the secretsof ejaculation ♪

♪ I need a translatorlike I'm reading Balzac ♪

♪ To crack the Rosetta Stoneover your ballsack ♪

MALE VOICE:Ooh, ow ♪

♪ The top is the partthat confuses me the most ♪

♪ It looks like a Silly PuttyPac-Man ghost ♪

♪ Sometimes it's Jell-Ojiggling ♪

♪ Sometimes it's denser

♪ But they all look likea Darth Vader Pez dispenser ♪

(blows air)

♪ Like Sam Jackson,I'm not as good with Shaft ♪

♪ When it's soft and flabbylike President Taft ♪

♪ It's like a deep South queen,that you want to make straight ♪

♪ Will I make it uprightif I move like a Shake Weight? ♪

♪ Move it like a Shake Weight,move it like a Shake Weight ♪

♪ Now pump it like brakesthat aren't anti-lock ♪

♪ Try not to go psychoon your Alfred Hitchcock ♪

♪ I go a little faster,and then I retard ♪

♪ It's like a hamster you don'twant to squeeze too hard ♪

♪ I'm working my handtill it gets arthritis ♪

♪ I'll be holding till I getthe golden touch of Midas ♪

♪ I think, therefore I am,getting my Descartes on ♪

♪ Until I fully comprehendyour Marcia Gay Hard-on ♪

♪ But the biggest throbbingquestion of all is ♪

♪ Seriously, what do you dowith the balls? ♪

♪ Do I roll 'em like dice,do I mold 'em like clay? ♪

♪ Do I tickle them like Elmo,or throw 'em like a partay? ♪

♪ Do I move 'em all aroundor cup it slow? ♪

♪ It's like the two bald criticpuppets from the Muppet show ♪

♪ Just sitting therecranky and superfluous ♪

♪ How 'bout I don't touch themunless you insist? ♪

(drum fill plays)

♪ Hand job, bland job,I-don't-understand job ♪

♪ Do I spit, do I squeeze,do I ever touch the top? ♪

♪ How can I learn when youalways make me stop? ♪

(synthesizer playssustaining chord)

♪ How can I learnwhen you always make me stop? ♪


Thank you, everybody.Thank you.