John Oliver - Falling in Love

  • Season 1 , Ep 1
  • 01/08/2010
  • Views: 30,173

For the past eight years, America has been like a girl who was just throwing up all over herself. (2:56)

BEFORE WE BEGIN.

I CAME TO AMERICAMUCH LIKE--

(laughter)

MUCH LIKE EDDIE MURPHY.

(laughter and applause)

I, TOO, AM A FICTIONALAFRICAN PRINCE.

I--

I CAME TO AMERICA THREEAND HALF YEARS AGO,

AND I LOVED IT HERESTRAIGHT AWAY,

AND I SAY THATWITH SOME SURPRISE

BECAUSE TO BE HONEST,I WASN'T SURE I WOULD.

IT WAS--IT WAS STRANGEFALLING IN LOVE WITH A COUNTRY

AT A POINTTHAT MANY PEOPLE...

AND HISTORY...

(laughter)

MAY YET JUDGE TO BE ITAT ITS WORST.

IT WAS LIKE FALLING IN LOVEWITH A GIRL

WHO WAS JUST THROWING UPALL OVER HERSELF,

SOFTLY HOLDING HER HAIR BACKAND WHISPERING TO HER

THAT EVERYTHINGWAS GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

TO ME, THAT'S WHATTHE LAST EIGHT YEARS

WERE LIKE HERE IN AMERICA.

YOU WERE JUST PROJECTILEVOMITING ALL OVER YOURSELF...

(applause)AS THE REST OF THE WORLDRUBBED YOUR BACK

SAYING, "SHH, THAT'S IT.

"LET IT ALL OUT.

OH, THAT WAS A BIG ONE.THERE."

(laughter)

AND JUST A YEAR AGO,YOU HAD THAT FINAL DRY WRETCH,

EMPTIED YOUR STOMACH,BRUSHED YOUR TEETH,

AND NOW YOU AND THE WORLDARE MAKING OUT ONCE MORE.

OH...NEVER DO THAT TO ME AGAIN.

I MISSED YOU.

(laughter)

WHATEVER YOUR POLITICS ARE,

IT WAS AN INCREDIBLYDRAMATIC DAY, THE LAST ELECTION.

FOR ME EVEN MORE SO, IT WASAN EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER.

I WAS EXCITED, YES.

I WAS NERVOUS,DEFINITELY.

I WAS HUNGRY.

I HADN'T EATEN BREAKFASTTHAT MORNING.

AND I WAS ALSO FILLEDWITH THIS DEEP BURNING ANGER

IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH,BECAUSE FRANKLY,

I COULD NOT... BELIEVEI WAS NOT ALLOWED TO VOTE.

THREE AND HALF YEARS,I HAVE LIVED HERE!

I WORK HARD...RELATIVELY SPEAKING

FOR SOMEONE WHO DOES THISFOR A LIVING.

I PAY MY TAXES.I TRY TO FIT IN.

I'VE LEARNEDYOUR RUDIMENTARY LANGUAGE.

(laughter)

I DON'T KNOW WHAT MORE YOU CANREASONABLY EXPECT ME TO DO.

AND THAT'S WHEN IT HIT ME.I KNOW WHY I'M SO ANGRY.

I KNOW WHAT THIS IS.

TAXATIONWITHOUT REPRESENTATION.

(laughter and applause)

NOW I GET IT.

NOW--NOW I SEEWHY YOU GOT SO PISSY ABOUT IT

ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.

IT I ANNOYING.

YOU WERE RIGHT.IT IS ANNOYING.

AND CONSIDER THAT AS CLOSETO AN APOLOGY

AS YOU ARE EVER GOING TO GET,EVER.

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