Tom Segura - Overheard Conversation

  • Season 1 , Ep 7
  • 11/27/2012
  • Views: 13,098

Tom Segura notices that there is an alarming amount of stupid people out there. (2:19)

AND THAT'S NOT--I'M NOT SAYING THAT

FROM, LIKE,AN ELITIST PLACE.

I'M NOT A KNOW-IT-ALL.

I DIDN'T GOTO AN IVY LEAGUE SCHOOL.

I CAN PROUDLY SAYTHAT I GRADUATED HIGH SCHOOL

WITH A 2.1 GPA.

WHICH...[cheers]

THANK YOU.YES.

YOU CAN BASICALLY OBTAIN THAT

BY NOT GOING TO HIGH SCHOOL.

BUT WHAT I CAN DOIS PUT TOGETHER

A FOURTH-GRADE LEVEL,COHERENT, ENGLISH SENTENCE.

I MEET PEOPLEALL THE TIME,

THEY DON'T KNOW HOWTO CONJUGATE SIMPLE WORDS.

THEY DON'T KNOW IF IT'SPAST TENSE OR PRESENT TENSE.

THAT JUST REEKS OF JEAN SHORTSAND DIRT DRIVEWAYS, OKAY?

[laughter]

LIKE, THE OTHER DAY,

I WAS STANDING IN LINEIN A STORE,

AND I WAS STANDINGBEHIND TWO GENTLEMEN--

AND I USE THAT WORDREALLY LOOSELY--

AND ONE OF THEM WAS TELLINGHIS FRIEND A STORY.

THIS IS THE STORYTHAT HE TOLD HIM, VERBATIM.

AND I KNOW IT IS

BECAUSE IT NEVER STOPS PLAYINGIN MY HEAD.

HE GOES,"YEAH, I SEEN HIM--

"I SEEN HIMCOMES 'ROUND THE CORNER,

"SO I SAYS TO HIM, I SAYS,

'HEY, AIN'T YOU SEENIT'S A DOOR?'"

[laughter]

"AND THEN HE SAY,

"'I AIN'T THINKNO ONE'S HOME.'

"SO I SAYS TO HIM,I SAYS,

"'HEY, IT'S A DOOR.

"'NEXT TIME,YOU BETTER KNOCK

"'OR I'LL CHOKEYOUR ASS OUT.

'CAUSE I DON'T TAKENO [bleep].'"

YEAH, I GUESS YOU DON'T TAKENO READING EITHER.

WHAT THE [bleep], MAN?LIKE...

"I SAYS TO HIM,I SEEN HIM, 'IT'S A DOOR.'"

THAT'S YOUR SENTENCE,FOR REAL?

IF THAT'S THE BEST YOU CAN DO,I DON'T THINK

YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWEDTO SPEAK.

I THINK YOU SHOULD JUSTWALK AROUND WITH PICTURES

OF THINGS YOU WANT TO SAY.

AND YOU WOULDN'T NEEDTHAT MANY,

BECAUSE YOU ARE STUPID.

YOU COULD HAVE THREE,AND YOU COULD JUST GRUNT

AND HOLD THEM UP FOR PEOPLE.

[grunting]

"SURE, MAN,SOMEONE WILL FIGHT YOU.

START THROWING STUFF."

[grunting]"WELL, YOU CAN'T EAT THAT

'CAUSE THAT'S ALIVE."

[grunting]

"YES, JUST WEAR A CONDOM.

WE DON'T WANT ANY MOREOF YOU, OKAY?"

Loading...