Janeane Garofalo - Customs Card

  • Season 1 , Ep 3
  • 01/22/2010
  • Views: 12,878

Homeland Security's immigration card is all that stands betwixt us and utter chaos. (1:49)

HERE'S SOMETHING I WANTEDTO SHARE WITH YOU.

I BROUGHT IT WITH ME.

ANYBODY WHO'S FLOWNINTERNATIONALLY RECENTLY,

UM, THE IMMIGRATION CARD,THE CUSTOMS CARD.

THIS RIGHT HERE,HOMELAND SECURITY AT ITS FINEST.

THIS IS ALL THAT STANDSBETWIXT YOU AND UTTER CHAOS.

SO WHEN I WAS FLYINGINTERNATIONAL--

I JUST WANT TO SHARE WITH YOUHOW WE'RE BEING PROTECTED.

YOU HAVE TO FILL THIS OUT.

FIRST QUESTION--"DO YOU HAVEA COMMUNICABLE DISEASE,

"PHYSICALOR MENTAL DISORDER,

OR ARE YOU A DRUG ABUSEROR ADDICT?"

(mouthing word)

YOU CAN ALWAYS DEPEND ON A JUNKYTO CHECK THE RIGHT BOX.

BUT HERE'S THE JEWELIN HOMELAND'S CROWN.

"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN OR ARE YOUNOW INVOLVED IN ESPIONAGE(laughter)

"OR SABOTAGE...

"OR IN TERRORIST ACTIVITIESOR GENOCIDE OR BETWEEN--(laughter)

"OR BETWEEN 1933 AND 1945WERE INVOLVED IN ANY WAY

IN PERSECUTIONS ASSOCIATED WITHNAZI GERMANY OR ITS ALLIES?"

I WAS IN DEEP COVERFOR OVER 30 YEARS.

I WORKED FOR THE CIA, THE FBI,THE MI-5 AND MI-6.

I LOST MY IDENTITY, MY WIFE,MY CHILDREN, NAY,

I ALMOST LOST MY MIND.

AND WHAT UNDID ME AFTER ALLTHESE YEARS?

WHY DID I CHECK YES?!(laughter)

WHY WOULD I--OH!

OH, YOU'RE GOOD,HOMELAND SECURITY.

YOU'RE VERY, VERY GOOD.(laughter)

AND THEN HERE'S ANOTHERINTERESTING THING ON THE CARD.

IT SAYS, "IMPORTANT.IF YOU ANSWERED YES

"TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, PLEASECONTACT THE AMERICAN EMBASSY

BEFORE YOU TRAVEL."

NOW THEY DON'T GIVE IT TO YOUTILL YOU'RE ABOUT TO LAND.(laughter)

SO I DON'T UNDERSTAND,UNLESS OF COURSE,

WE'RE GOING TO AUSTRALIA,WHICH AS YOU KNOW,

WHEN YOU GET THERE,IT'S YESTERDAY.

SO MAYBE YES, 'CAUSE YOU GOTHROUGH THE EVENT HORIZON

OR SOMETHING, THE TOILETGOES THE OTHER WAY,

AND THEN YES, MAYBE,MAYBE.

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