Ellen DeGeneres - Pull Over

Larry Miller & Ellen DeGeneres Season 1, Ep 0131 02/24/1992 Views: 12,456

Men and women both try to flirt their way out of tickets. (3:06)

AT ANY TIME IN YOUR LIFE

IT'S IMPORTANT TO LOOK GOOD.

YOU KNOW, BECAUSEIF YOU LOOK DECENT

YOU'RE GOING TO TRY TO FLIRTYOUR WAY OUT OF THE TICKET

AND NO MATTER IF YOU'RE A MALEOR FEMALE, IT DOESN'T MATTER.

BUT THE WORST TIME IS

LIKE IF YOU'VE JUST THROWN ONANY HORRIBLE OUTFIT

RUNNING TO THE STORE TO PICK UPA PINT OF HAAGEN-DAZS.

YOU'VE GOT, LIKE,SNOOPY SWEATPANTS

AND A NEHRU JACKET ON.

YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD STORY.

AND THERE'S NOTHING WORSETHAN THAT ANTICIPATION.

YOU'RE JUST WAITING FORTHE POLICEMAN TO COME UP

THINKING WHAT AREYOU GOING TO SAY?

YOU'RE JUST...

"HI.

"LISTEN, BEFOREYOU START WRITING

"YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED?

"I WAS... JUST AT HOME,JUST AT HOME

"AND THE PHONE RANG.

"HELLO.

"AND, UM, IT WAS,UM, MY MOTHER.

"SHE LIVES ALONE.

"SHE'S OLD AND SHE'S...YOU KNOW MOTHERS.

"YOU HAVE A MOTHER, I'M SURE.

"EVERYONE...

"ANYWAY, SHE SAID,'ELLEN, HONEY...'

"THAT'S MY NAME. HI.

"NOT 'HONEY,'THAT'S A TERM OF ENDEARMENT.

"YOU CAN CALL ME 'HONEY,'DOESN'T MATTER.

"BUT SHE SAID,'ELLEN, HONEY, I'VE FALLEN

"AND I THINK I'VEBROKEN MY... NECK.'

"NECK-- OH, I KNOW.

"SO RIGHT AWAY,GOT THE HAAGEN-DAZS.

SHE LOVES THAT AND, UM..."

( laughter )

"AND, UH, THE COLDI THOUGHT WOULD BE..."

( laughter )

"AND THREW THIS ON.

"THIS IS HORRIBLE.

"I WAS NAKED, AND...

JUST NAKED,AT HOME, AEROBICIZING."

( laughter )

"I'M SINGLE AND, UM...

"SO IT'S GOOD TO BE SINGLEAND KEEP IN SHAPE.

"YOU GOT TO KEEP IN SHAPEBECAUSE I DATE A LOT OF MEN.

"NOT A LOT, THAT'S TRAMPY,BUT I DATE MEN.

"UM... SOME LOOK LIKE YOU,IT'S COINCIDENTAL.

"BUT, UM...

"AND, UH, SO, UH,THIS IS HORRIBLE.

"I DON'T LOOK LIKE THISAT ALL, THE KNIT CAP.

"YOU CAN'T SEE WHATMY HAIR LOOKS LIKE

"BUT I HAVE A PHOTO OF MEAT A FRIEND'S WEDDING IF...

"NO? WELL, ANYWAY,I JUST THINK IT'S IMPORTANT

"TO LOOK GOOD TO--BOY, IT'S HOT TODAY.

"ISN'T THE HEAT SOMETHING?

"I DON'T KNOW WHY I PUT THIS...

"YOU MUST BE HOT WITHTHE HANDCUFFS, ALL THAT ON.

"THAT'S GOT TO BE HOT.

"NOTHING'S WRONG WITH HEAT,BUT IT'S JUST THE SWEATING.

"NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT,THAT THING ON YOUR LIP.

"PEOPLE SWEAT, THAT'SJUST A THING THAT YOU DO.

"THAT'S A NATURALBODILY FUNCTION.

"I LIKE SWEAT, I'M ATTRACTEDTO IT IN A WAY, AND, UM...

"NOT FOR WOMEN.

"MEN, IT'S OKAY,IF IT DOESN'T SMELL.

"PIGS DON'T SWEAT.

"PIGS DON'T HAVE SWEAT GLANDS.

"THAT'S WHY THEY ROLL AROUND INTHE MUD LIKE THAT, TO KEEP COOL.

"PEOPLE THINK THEY'REDIRTY ANIMALS, BUT...

"POLICEMEN ARE CALLED PIGS,AREN'T THEY?

"THAT'S, UH, FUNNY--THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

"NO, I DON'T CALL THEM.

"I HEARD IT ON A TV SHOW.

"JUST WRITE THE TICKET.

I JUST DON'T, UH..."

( applause )